I am worried about my kids navigating the social networking world. Not so much because of predators or overtly hurtful bullies, but more because there are far-reaching, obscure consequences of electronic messaging that youngsters have trouble comprehending. I won’t try to stop the inevitable but it increases my parenting responsibilities exponentially. When I really think about teaching my daughters’ to navigate the virtual world in addition to the real world, I feel overwhelmed and vulnerable. Social networking sites make my already big job, bigger.
Before they embark on virtual relationships I have to teach my daughters’ about sharing private family information. I have read about children who unknowingly posted messages about their family’s financial situation or other sensitive issues that got them in hot water. What they didn’t realize was that, any and all, of this information can be spread rapidly in ways they haven’t considered. A friend who sees your child’s post tells another friend and away it goes. Instant communication is great and exciting except when it gets you in trouble.
What about when your child’s friend posts pictures from a sleepover or party that your child wasn’t invited to? What are the rules for that situation? What about when your child starts dating and the “break up” happens electronically and perhaps publically? What about when your child is eager to have the most “friends” and so they accept friends they have never met? Now these strangers have access to all of your child’s information.
What about when your child goes on-line to play games and a virtual player starts befriending your child and asking for, at first innocent and then, private information? I was shocked to hear this even happens on Webkinz and Club Penguins’ sites. Is that friendly penguin really an 8 year-old child?
As parents do we sit down with our children and go through every possible virtual scenario in an effort to prevent dangerous or hurtful situations? Can we possibly cover them all when they evolve and change on a weekly basis?
The answer has to involve interactive, daily communication or “checking in” with your child. When I suggest this, a common parental response is, “but my child won’t talk to me—all she wants to do is go to her room and text!” Try an active listening approach and bite your tongue when you get the urge to ask too many questions. Teens tend to interpret these types of conversations as interrogations.
Instead, I try to capitalize on those brief, daily chances to really listen even when my daughter is talking about something I don’t care much about (i.e., how Suzie wore the same jeans as Maddie). The content of the conversation doesn’t matter as much as the fact that we are engaging.
Here is some great advice I have gotten from talking to other parents:
1) Require your child to “friend” you but agree not to comment on their site—be a passive observer, don’t intrude unless you have to (i.e., you read something potentially dangerous or hurtful). This is much easier if you require this before they start using social networking sites.
2) Use others’ social networking mistakes as teaching opportunities. Instead of instantly de-friending someone, use the opportunity to teach your child how the situation could have been handled differently. Explicitly explain what you expect your child to do in this situation and why? Emphasize your values and expectations.
3) Apply virtual situations (i.e., social excluding via Facebook) to the playground (i.e., being teased at school) so that your child can clearly see how they relate and what is unique about a virtual environment. This can start a conversation about social networking “do’s and don’ts” and your expectations.
My oldest is only 9 so I will let you know if any of this actually works when she becomes a hormone-ridden teen.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Ask Dr. Dana: Why does it seem like many children I know who excel in elementary school do not excel when they get to Middle and High School?
While there could be many reasons for some children’s decline in success as they transition to Middle and High School, one theory in particular rings true for me.
A Psychology professor at Stanford University, Dr. Carol Dweck has tested her theory that students who believe they were born with all the smarts they’re ever going to have approach life with what she calls a “fixed mind-set.” In contrast, those who believe that their own abilities can expand over time, approach life with a “growth mind-set.”
Dr. Dweck’s extensive research suggests that the students who believed that intelligence and ability can grow (i.e., seeing the brain as a muscle that can be strengthened and understanding that neurons in the brain continue to make new connections) received higher grades than those who believed that intelligence is a fixed trait. Students with a fixed mindset believe that if you have to work hard it means that you don’t have the ability, and that you are just not smart enough. These kids are more likely to give up when they make mistakes and face challenges, believing they just don’t have what it takes to be successful.
This research drives one of Dr. Dweck’s main messages to parents, “If you really want smart kids, start by not telling them they’re smart”. Instead, praise their effort. Students who believe that the harder they work, the better their grades will be are more likely to persist, and therefore succeed, in the face of difficulties.
The idea of a growth mindset motivates teacher, parents, and students to hold a more optimistic, elastic attitude toward learning and intelligence.
My take away—praise specific instances in which your child demonstrates tenacity. Being smart will only get him/her so far.
A Psychology professor at Stanford University, Dr. Carol Dweck has tested her theory that students who believe they were born with all the smarts they’re ever going to have approach life with what she calls a “fixed mind-set.” In contrast, those who believe that their own abilities can expand over time, approach life with a “growth mind-set.”
Dr. Dweck’s extensive research suggests that the students who believed that intelligence and ability can grow (i.e., seeing the brain as a muscle that can be strengthened and understanding that neurons in the brain continue to make new connections) received higher grades than those who believed that intelligence is a fixed trait. Students with a fixed mindset believe that if you have to work hard it means that you don’t have the ability, and that you are just not smart enough. These kids are more likely to give up when they make mistakes and face challenges, believing they just don’t have what it takes to be successful.
This research drives one of Dr. Dweck’s main messages to parents, “If you really want smart kids, start by not telling them they’re smart”. Instead, praise their effort. Students who believe that the harder they work, the better their grades will be are more likely to persist, and therefore succeed, in the face of difficulties.
The idea of a growth mindset motivates teacher, parents, and students to hold a more optimistic, elastic attitude toward learning and intelligence.
My take away—praise specific instances in which your child demonstrates tenacity. Being smart will only get him/her so far.
Ask Dr. Dana: One of my friend’s daughters is gossiping about and excluding my daughter at school. What should I do? Should I confront her?
This type of bulling is called Relational Aggression. Relational aggression encompasses behaviors that harm others by damaging, threatening to damage, or manipulating one's relationships with his/her peers, or by injuring one's feelings of social acceptance (the Ophelia Project).
The most important thing to do is strengthen your daughter’s self-confidence by putting her in situations that accentuate her talents and strengths. Providing your daughter with concrete ways to deal with the bullying is more important than confronting your friend or her daughter. Attempts at changing another’s behavior (friend or no friend) are unlikely to be successful. Focus on your daughter and what she can do to end her victimization.
What you can do?
• Don’t dismiss your daughter's stories as "drama", her perception is her reality. Actively listen to her thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
• If the relational aggression is not stopping, a quick tip is W T T: Walk away from the situation, Talk to someone and process, and Tell someone who can do something about it. Failure to report repeated relational aggression can lead to depression and other mental health problems.
• Practice (or role play) specific phrases/words she can use in specific situations to stand up to the bully
• If your child is lacking certain social skills or has difficulty reading subtle social clues, it is important that you give your child concrete, specific advice on peer interactions. Inviting friends over to your home affords you the opportunity to watch your daughter’s social interactions and provide supportive suggestions after her friend leaves.
The most important thing to do is strengthen your daughter’s self-confidence by putting her in situations that accentuate her talents and strengths. Providing your daughter with concrete ways to deal with the bullying is more important than confronting your friend or her daughter. Attempts at changing another’s behavior (friend or no friend) are unlikely to be successful. Focus on your daughter and what she can do to end her victimization.
What you can do?
• Don’t dismiss your daughter's stories as "drama", her perception is her reality. Actively listen to her thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
• If the relational aggression is not stopping, a quick tip is W T T: Walk away from the situation, Talk to someone and process, and Tell someone who can do something about it. Failure to report repeated relational aggression can lead to depression and other mental health problems.
• Practice (or role play) specific phrases/words she can use in specific situations to stand up to the bully
• If your child is lacking certain social skills or has difficulty reading subtle social clues, it is important that you give your child concrete, specific advice on peer interactions. Inviting friends over to your home affords you the opportunity to watch your daughter’s social interactions and provide supportive suggestions after her friend leaves.
Ask Dr. Dana: My child’s best friend dumped her. She is heartbroken, what can I do?
Most parents can relate. Your child comes home, sullen and slumped over. “Sarah doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore; she only wants to be with Lia!”
When this happens your heart will break right along with your child’s. It is very important to remain calm and not add your anger and hurt to your child’s. Chances are this is a bump in the road instead of a long-term break up. Below are some things you can do to help your child bounce back quickly.
• Your role is to listen and empathize with your kid’s feelings
• Help your child come up with his/her own game plan for situations that may be hurtful (i.e., lunch, recess, etc.) Even if you don’t like the plan, your child will be more confident if he/she comes up with their own.
• A common reason for friendship-dumping is when one child becomes too dependent on another child, making the friendship feel burdensome. If this applies, help your child to branch out and make new friends.
Most importantly, remember that over the course of a friendship your child will inevitably face conflict. As in adulthood, overcoming conflicts can make relationships even stronger. Directly dealing with conflict is a difficult but critical skill, for both children and adults.
When this happens your heart will break right along with your child’s. It is very important to remain calm and not add your anger and hurt to your child’s. Chances are this is a bump in the road instead of a long-term break up. Below are some things you can do to help your child bounce back quickly.
• Your role is to listen and empathize with your kid’s feelings
• Help your child come up with his/her own game plan for situations that may be hurtful (i.e., lunch, recess, etc.) Even if you don’t like the plan, your child will be more confident if he/she comes up with their own.
• A common reason for friendship-dumping is when one child becomes too dependent on another child, making the friendship feel burdensome. If this applies, help your child to branch out and make new friends.
Most importantly, remember that over the course of a friendship your child will inevitably face conflict. As in adulthood, overcoming conflicts can make relationships even stronger. Directly dealing with conflict is a difficult but critical skill, for both children and adults.
Ask Dr. Dana: Why is family mealtime so important? What are the benefits?
September 28th is National Family Day – A Day to Eat Dinner with Your Children
This is a national movement launched by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University to remind parents that frequent family Dinners Make A Difference!
Parental engagement fostered at the dinner table can be a simple, effective tool to help prevent substance abuse in kids.
Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse
More than a decade of research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school.
CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.
Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
• Three times more likely to try marijuana
• Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes
• One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol
Ten Benefits of Family Dinners
Teens that have frequent family dinners are:
1. At half the risk for substance abuse compared to teens who eat with their families less frequently
2. More likely to get better grades
3. Less likely to have friends who use illicit drugs
4. More likely to have lower levels of tension and stress
5. More likely to say that their parents were proud of them
6. More emotionally stable
7. More likely to have positive relationships
8. More likely to have healthier eating habits
9. Less likely to contemplate suicide
10. Less likely to try marijuana or have friends who do
The Challenge for Busy Families!
We know that that shared dinners make for stronger families. The problem is that between after-school activity schedules and parents’ busy work schedules, making connections within the family requires a concerted effort.
Tips for Making the Most Out of Family Dinners:
1. Make family dinners a requirement
2. Involve your teenagers in all phases of the meal
3. Go around the table and take turns starting a topic or asking a silly question
4. Take turns expressing “highs and lows” of the day
5. Ask open-ended questions to get your teens talking
Additional Facts from CASA:
• Kids are particularly vulnerable to substance use during transitions from elementary to middle school, middle to high school, and from high school to college.
• More than forty percent of America’s teens – some 10 million – can buy marijuana within a day and 20 percent—some 5 million—can get it in an hour or less.
• Each day more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink.
• Children and teens that begin drinking before age 15 are four times likelier to become alcohol dependent than those who do not drink before age 21.
• More than five million high school students, almost a third, admit binge drinking at least once a month.
• On average, teenagers who use alcohol, tobacco and marijuana begin using them between 12 and 14 years of age, with some of the highest risk kids starting to use even earlier.
This is a national movement launched by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University to remind parents that frequent family Dinners Make A Difference!
Parental engagement fostered at the dinner table can be a simple, effective tool to help prevent substance abuse in kids.
Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse
More than a decade of research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school.
CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.
Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
• Three times more likely to try marijuana
• Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes
• One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol
Ten Benefits of Family Dinners
Teens that have frequent family dinners are:
1. At half the risk for substance abuse compared to teens who eat with their families less frequently
2. More likely to get better grades
3. Less likely to have friends who use illicit drugs
4. More likely to have lower levels of tension and stress
5. More likely to say that their parents were proud of them
6. More emotionally stable
7. More likely to have positive relationships
8. More likely to have healthier eating habits
9. Less likely to contemplate suicide
10. Less likely to try marijuana or have friends who do
The Challenge for Busy Families!
We know that that shared dinners make for stronger families. The problem is that between after-school activity schedules and parents’ busy work schedules, making connections within the family requires a concerted effort.
Tips for Making the Most Out of Family Dinners:
1. Make family dinners a requirement
2. Involve your teenagers in all phases of the meal
3. Go around the table and take turns starting a topic or asking a silly question
4. Take turns expressing “highs and lows” of the day
5. Ask open-ended questions to get your teens talking
Additional Facts from CASA:
• Kids are particularly vulnerable to substance use during transitions from elementary to middle school, middle to high school, and from high school to college.
• More than forty percent of America’s teens – some 10 million – can buy marijuana within a day and 20 percent—some 5 million—can get it in an hour or less.
• Each day more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink.
• Children and teens that begin drinking before age 15 are four times likelier to become alcohol dependent than those who do not drink before age 21.
• More than five million high school students, almost a third, admit binge drinking at least once a month.
• On average, teenagers who use alcohol, tobacco and marijuana begin using them between 12 and 14 years of age, with some of the highest risk kids starting to use even earlier.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Ask Dr. Dana
Why does my 13 year old get so emotional and overwhelmed about everything? She’s only in middle school.
The number one complaint we hear from kids is that parents pooh-pooh their fears, concerns, and stressors. Many parents’ think that since they survived middle and high school unscathed, so can their kids. They also compare all of the stress and responsibility they face in their adult lives with their children’s stress and come to the conclusion that their children don’t have anything to be stressed about. In other words, their children’s lives are simple compared to their own (what does Billy really have to worry about?)
What these well meaning parents fail to take into consideration is that stress is relative and feels real and overwhelming to their child. Adolescents don’t “experience” their situation from an adults’ perspective or by comparing their level of stress to an adult’s. They can’t.
Cognitively speaking, children’s frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until age 23. So, your 13 year olds’ brain is only half as developed as an adult brain. They can’t see solutions or manage their emotions the way an adult can.
Although their objective degree of stress may be less than an adult’s, they don’t experience their situation as less stressful. They feel the pressure to achieve, perform, fit-in, and form connections with others, as strongly, if not more strongly than adults.
They need help; your help. If you aren’t willing to really listen to and validate their concerns and stressors, guess what? They will turn away from you and towards their friends who are going through similar emotions. The problem here is that other teens are as emotionally ill-equipped to deal with their stress as your child.
To teach your children how to manage stress start by listening and validating their specific concerns, struggles, and fears. Teaching them how to prioritize, manage their time, and confront peer conflicts will reduce their level of stress. Similarly, role playing peer conflict situations with your children can provide the self-confidence they need to stand up for themselves or begin a difficult emotional conversation.
The number one complaint we hear from kids is that parents pooh-pooh their fears, concerns, and stressors. Many parents’ think that since they survived middle and high school unscathed, so can their kids. They also compare all of the stress and responsibility they face in their adult lives with their children’s stress and come to the conclusion that their children don’t have anything to be stressed about. In other words, their children’s lives are simple compared to their own (what does Billy really have to worry about?)
What these well meaning parents fail to take into consideration is that stress is relative and feels real and overwhelming to their child. Adolescents don’t “experience” their situation from an adults’ perspective or by comparing their level of stress to an adult’s. They can’t.
Cognitively speaking, children’s frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until age 23. So, your 13 year olds’ brain is only half as developed as an adult brain. They can’t see solutions or manage their emotions the way an adult can.
Although their objective degree of stress may be less than an adult’s, they don’t experience their situation as less stressful. They feel the pressure to achieve, perform, fit-in, and form connections with others, as strongly, if not more strongly than adults.
They need help; your help. If you aren’t willing to really listen to and validate their concerns and stressors, guess what? They will turn away from you and towards their friends who are going through similar emotions. The problem here is that other teens are as emotionally ill-equipped to deal with their stress as your child.
To teach your children how to manage stress start by listening and validating their specific concerns, struggles, and fears. Teaching them how to prioritize, manage their time, and confront peer conflicts will reduce their level of stress. Similarly, role playing peer conflict situations with your children can provide the self-confidence they need to stand up for themselves or begin a difficult emotional conversation.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Ask Dr. Dana
Scottsdale Prevention Institute Phone: 480-443-3100
6908 E. Thomas Rd. Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85251 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org
Ask Dr. Dana:
What are the most commonly used drugs for middle and high school students?
· OxyCotin--Individuals abuse OxyCotin for the euphoric effect it produces--an effect similar to that associated with heroin use. Street names include: Cotton, Hillbilly Heroin, Kicker, OCs, Ox, Os, Oxy, Pills, 40 (a 40 milligram tablet), 80 (an 80 milligram tablet)
· Soma--Soma causes drowsiness, giddiness, and relaxation. Street names include: Ds, Dance, Las Vegas Cocktail (combination of Soma and Vicodin), Soma Coma (combination of Soma and codeine)
· Ecstasy—Ecstasy has stimulant properties, enabling kids to dance for hours at all-night parties and nightclubs. It also has hallucinogenic effects. Street names include: MDMA, Ecstasy, XTC, E, X, Beans, Adams, Hug Drug, Disco Biscuit, Go, Adam, hug, love drug)
**Kids tell our Prevention Specialists that they can “order” any kind of pill at school and get it by the end of the school day.
What can you do?
1) Monitor your kids’ whereabouts (i.e., where they are, who they are with, what they are doing);
2) Take time to communicate with and validate your kids’ stressors;
3) Give kids practical, realistic coping skills to deal with pressure.
If you have a parenting or social/coping skills questions for Dr. Dana send questions to dana.sherman@cox.net
Dana Sherman, Ph.D.
School Program Director
Scottsdale Prevention Institute
dana.sherman@cox.net
480-443-3100 x 222
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Prevention reduces bullying in Scottsdale schools
Prevention reduces bullying in Scottsdale schools
Excerpt taken from The Arizona Republic Article by Emily Dean - May. 6, 2009
Prevention efforts are being credited with a steep drop in the number of bullying incidents at Scottsdale middle schools. In the past three years Scottsdale Unified School District eighth grade students who reported being picked on or bullied declined significantly from 21.5 percent in 2006 to 10.8 in 2008, according to the 2008 Arizona Youth Survey provided by the Arizona Criminal Justice Commission.
Dana Sherman, School Program Director for Scottsdale Prevention Institute, said this type of behavior can begin as early as elementary school. We all know these kids; they are the ones who have temper tantrums, refuse to listen and kick or hit others on the playground and generally disrupt the learning environment," she said.
Teaching kids anger management exercises such as clenching and unclenching their fists when they feel angry helps them release stress and can help them stop before acting out, Sherman said.
Milissa Sackos, Executive director of Student and Community Services for Scottsdale Unified School District, credited the decline in incidents of bullying to district prevention efforts. "It's very difficult to pinpoint a single program to contribute to the decrease," Sackos said. "Our main goal is to create a safe school environment."
Although instances are decreasing in Scottsdale schools, bullying, defined by the National Association of School Psychologists as "aggressive behaviors ranging from overt acts of physical violence to more subtle patterns of cruelty" is still a national concern.
According to a 2005 report by the U.S. Department of Education, 28 percent of students age 12 to 18 reported having been bullied in the previous six months on school grounds.
Ruby Alvarado Hernandez of the Arizona Prevention Resource Center said one in four children who bully will have a criminal record by the age of 20, according to the U.S. Department of Education.
Even though states are realizing the need for bullying prevention efforts, results are hard to track and it's often one of the first programs to face budget cuts, Alvarado Hernandez said. "Chances are it (bullying) will increase, not just because of the loss of SROs but the removal of social workers and counselors.”
Excerpt taken from The Arizona Republic Article by Emily Dean - May. 6, 2009
Prevention efforts are being credited with a steep drop in the number of bullying incidents at Scottsdale middle schools. In the past three years Scottsdale Unified School District eighth grade students who reported being picked on or bullied declined significantly from 21.5 percent in 2006 to 10.8 in 2008, according to the 2008 Arizona Youth Survey provided by the Arizona Criminal Justice Commission.
Dana Sherman, School Program Director for Scottsdale Prevention Institute, said this type of behavior can begin as early as elementary school. We all know these kids; they are the ones who have temper tantrums, refuse to listen and kick or hit others on the playground and generally disrupt the learning environment," she said.
Teaching kids anger management exercises such as clenching and unclenching their fists when they feel angry helps them release stress and can help them stop before acting out, Sherman said.
Milissa Sackos, Executive director of Student and Community Services for Scottsdale Unified School District, credited the decline in incidents of bullying to district prevention efforts. "It's very difficult to pinpoint a single program to contribute to the decrease," Sackos said. "Our main goal is to create a safe school environment."
Although instances are decreasing in Scottsdale schools, bullying, defined by the National Association of School Psychologists as "aggressive behaviors ranging from overt acts of physical violence to more subtle patterns of cruelty" is still a national concern.
According to a 2005 report by the U.S. Department of Education, 28 percent of students age 12 to 18 reported having been bullied in the previous six months on school grounds.
Ruby Alvarado Hernandez of the Arizona Prevention Resource Center said one in four children who bully will have a criminal record by the age of 20, according to the U.S. Department of Education.
Even though states are realizing the need for bullying prevention efforts, results are hard to track and it's often one of the first programs to face budget cuts, Alvarado Hernandez said. "Chances are it (bullying) will increase, not just because of the loss of SROs but the removal of social workers and counselors.”
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Bully Article
Many parents are at a loss when they discover that their child is being bullied at school. Do they get involved? Let their child handle it on their own? They wonder why their child, in particular, is being picked on?
Even more alarming, however, is that fact that many parents are not even aware that their child is being attacked. This article addresses why children bully, how to identify if your child is being bullied, and what your child can do to prevent or stop bullying.
Children bully because it gives them a sense of power and domination over others. The bottom line is that it makes them feel powerful. More often than not their parents have used power-assertive discipline at home or they have been bullied themselves (e.g., by schoolmates, siblings, etc.). Many bullies come from homes where the parents are cold or uninvolved. Bullies typically carry a great deal of internal anger, pain, insecurity, lack interpersonal skills, and show little remorse for hurting others.
A larger set of children are not direct bullies but rather are bystanders. These bystanders tease others to go along with the crowd. While these students typically express some guilt over their actions very few go against the crowd to stop the bullying. Victims are more often harassed by groups of students than a single "bully."
Boys and Girls differ in how they bully. Girls tend to engage in verbal bullying or relational aggression such as excluding someone from the group or spreading rumors about another person. Boys are more likely to engage in direct aggression such as physical fighting or verbal attacks.
That said, you may still be wondering, why my child? Your child did not cause the bullying. However, there are certain characteristics that victims of bullies often share. They are typically (but not always) withdrawn, anxious, timid, children who react to bullying with overt emotion (e.g., fear, crying). They give the bullies the reaction they want. Also, victims may be targeted for looking or acting differently. Body weight, style of dress, high/low intelligence, race, ethnicity, and lack of social skills (e.g., appearing intrusive) are all common characteristics of victims.
Even more important is identifying the signs that your child is being bullied. Engulfed in our hectic schedules, we, as parents, may not even be aware that our child is being bullied.
Here are some signs to look for:
Even more alarming, however, is that fact that many parents are not even aware that their child is being attacked. This article addresses why children bully, how to identify if your child is being bullied, and what your child can do to prevent or stop bullying.
Children bully because it gives them a sense of power and domination over others. The bottom line is that it makes them feel powerful. More often than not their parents have used power-assertive discipline at home or they have been bullied themselves (e.g., by schoolmates, siblings, etc.). Many bullies come from homes where the parents are cold or uninvolved. Bullies typically carry a great deal of internal anger, pain, insecurity, lack interpersonal skills, and show little remorse for hurting others.
A larger set of children are not direct bullies but rather are bystanders. These bystanders tease others to go along with the crowd. While these students typically express some guilt over their actions very few go against the crowd to stop the bullying. Victims are more often harassed by groups of students than a single "bully."
Boys and Girls differ in how they bully. Girls tend to engage in verbal bullying or relational aggression such as excluding someone from the group or spreading rumors about another person. Boys are more likely to engage in direct aggression such as physical fighting or verbal attacks.
That said, you may still be wondering, why my child? Your child did not cause the bullying. However, there are certain characteristics that victims of bullies often share. They are typically (but not always) withdrawn, anxious, timid, children who react to bullying with overt emotion (e.g., fear, crying). They give the bullies the reaction they want. Also, victims may be targeted for looking or acting differently. Body weight, style of dress, high/low intelligence, race, ethnicity, and lack of social skills (e.g., appearing intrusive) are all common characteristics of victims.
Even more important is identifying the signs that your child is being bullied. Engulfed in our hectic schedules, we, as parents, may not even be aware that our child is being bullied.
Here are some signs to look for:
- he seems more withdrawn or fearful
- he cannot name a friend or does not talk about a friend at school
- he does not call or invite any friends over
- he comes home with torn or dirty clothes
- his money or personal items are frequently missing
- he often complains of school related illnesses (e.g., stomachache, headache, etc.)
- he has a loss of appetite or eats constantly
- he has sleep disturbances
- he "hates" school and does not want to go
- he shows a decline in school performance
- he demonstrates increased anger or self-destructive behavior (e.g., eating disorder, cutting on self, etc.)
It is important to keep in mind that being shy and having only a few friends is not, in and of itself, a cause for concern. Having one or two supportive friends can mitigate many of the negative effects of being picked on. Most children are picked on at school, for a short period, at one time or another. One friendship can give your child the confidence he needs to stand up to a bully if necessary.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied ask your child directly but try to stay neutral (cool) and not get overly emotional about the situation; otherwise your child may feel even more helpless. Tell him that no one has the right to make him feel badly about himself. Encourage your child to tell you about these incidents--listen and share the hurt with him. Assure him that he is not defective and that there are things he can do to prevent or stop the bullying.
Bullies have an ability to detect and prey on insecurity. Therefore, advise your child to stand tall, look the bully in the eye, use a firm voice and say, "You are being a bully and you need to knock it off. You are not funny." Tell him to stay calm, neutral and try not to show his fear. Practice this response at home with your child and encourage him to practice these responses in the mirror over and over until he feels comfortable and confident. Work on building his self-esteem through activities he is good at and by spending more time with supportive friends.
Also encourage your child to report the incident to a teacher or administrator he trusts. If there isn't anyone he trusts, offer to get involved. Administrators and teachers should promise discretion and anonymity.
No parent wants his or her child to be bullied. Bullying can go on for years and cause severe self-esteem problems. Be involved, empathetic, and constructive-- you can help your child prevent or stop bullying before it becomes a serious problem.
Here are some additional resources for parents and children:
- School Wide Prevention of Bullying
www.safeschools@nwrel.org - Don't Laugh at Me http://www.dontlaugh.org/
- Olweus Bullying Prevention Program www.colorado.edu/cspc/blueprints/
- Bullying Interventions http://www.nwrel.org/
- Bullying.org http://www.bullying.org/
- Let's Talk about Bullying http://www.talk-helps.com/
- Anti-Bullying Hotline http://www.stopthebully.org/
- Not My Kid http://www.notmykid.org/
- Bullying Online www.bullying.co.uk/school/
- Nickelodeon TALK
Friday, May 1, 2009
Building Self Esteem in Kids
High Self Esteem in Children: Where does it come from?
Researchers of self-esteem development suggest that high self esteem comes from:
• Love, respect, and acceptance
• Being taken seriously
• Being listened to
• Having your needs met and taken seriously
• Honoring uniqueness
• Being healthy and fit
• Having a sense of humor, laughing, and playing
• Taking pride in your cultural heritage
• Having choices and a sense of personal power
• Having safety and security
• Competence and achievement
The Differences between boys and girls
Who is more apt to like themselves, think they have a number of good qualities, and be glad for who they are? Boys. Search institute researchers have discovered that 56% of boys have a positive self-esteem whereas only 47% of girls do. Why do you think that is?
Can a parent really affect a child’s self-esteem?
Life’s positive and negative offerings are the areas in which adults have great power and opportunity to impact self-esteem. Parents can provide positive messages to their children, love their children even when they make poor choices, and give specific suggestions when they want their children to act in different ways.
What can be done at school to help build self-esteem in your child?
Your SPI Specialist can help build your child’s self-esteem by focusing on his/her competencies, listening to your child, and strengthening his or her social skills. Ask to speak with the SPI Specialist at your school to find out how he/she can help build your child’s self-esteem.
Researchers of self-esteem development suggest that high self esteem comes from:
• Love, respect, and acceptance
• Being taken seriously
• Being listened to
• Having your needs met and taken seriously
• Honoring uniqueness
• Being healthy and fit
• Having a sense of humor, laughing, and playing
• Taking pride in your cultural heritage
• Having choices and a sense of personal power
• Having safety and security
• Competence and achievement
The Differences between boys and girls
Who is more apt to like themselves, think they have a number of good qualities, and be glad for who they are? Boys. Search institute researchers have discovered that 56% of boys have a positive self-esteem whereas only 47% of girls do. Why do you think that is?
Can a parent really affect a child’s self-esteem?
Life’s positive and negative offerings are the areas in which adults have great power and opportunity to impact self-esteem. Parents can provide positive messages to their children, love their children even when they make poor choices, and give specific suggestions when they want their children to act in different ways.
What can be done at school to help build self-esteem in your child?
Your SPI Specialist can help build your child’s self-esteem by focusing on his/her competencies, listening to your child, and strengthening his or her social skills. Ask to speak with the SPI Specialist at your school to find out how he/she can help build your child’s self-esteem.
Tips to Reduce Stress
Tips to Help Families Deal with Stress
We are all dealing with increased levels of stress in both our professional and family lives. Our children experience our stress as well as their own. Here are some tips to help your children, and the entire family, cope with stress more effectively.
1. Create daily, quiet moments with each child. Offer time to talk about how things are going, to ask, tell, discuss and listen. A few quiet minutes for airing little worries can prevent them from growing into big ones.
2. Listen to your child when he or she is ready to talk. Try to stop what you are doing at the moment and engage with him or her. If it's not a good time, schedule a date for an hour later. Avoid trying to always fix problems, just listening is powerful.
3. As a family, share ways that you effectively deal with stress. Let your child know that you feel stress and that you can cope with it. This is reassuring and is effective modeling.
4. Be mindful of your own negative reactions to stress (e.g. shouting, drinking, smoking, slamming doors, isolation). Intentionally or not we teach by example. When you’re tense, try a walk, talking things over, or taking deep breaths.
5. Encourage drawing, storytelling, creative play and physical activities that are healthy, readily available ways to discharge anxiety. Exercise is one of the best ways to reduce stress.
6. Talk about stressors in the family rather than trying to hide them. Even when you think children don't understand the stressors in your life, they can sense them. It’s not necessary, nor fair, nor wise to share all adult problems with kids, but they probably sense when things are not right. Offer reassurance when you can and create an environment in which it’s ok to ask questions.
7. Share perspective. Remind children that although they may be having a really bad hour, or a really hard morning, somewhere in this day some nice things will happen too. At the dinner table, ask each person to offer a positive or highlight of his/her day.
If your child is having great difficulty dealing with stress please contact your school Prevention Specialist. We are here to help!
Scottsdale Prevention Institute
www.spi-az.org
480-443-3100
We are all dealing with increased levels of stress in both our professional and family lives. Our children experience our stress as well as their own. Here are some tips to help your children, and the entire family, cope with stress more effectively.
1. Create daily, quiet moments with each child. Offer time to talk about how things are going, to ask, tell, discuss and listen. A few quiet minutes for airing little worries can prevent them from growing into big ones.
2. Listen to your child when he or she is ready to talk. Try to stop what you are doing at the moment and engage with him or her. If it's not a good time, schedule a date for an hour later. Avoid trying to always fix problems, just listening is powerful.
3. As a family, share ways that you effectively deal with stress. Let your child know that you feel stress and that you can cope with it. This is reassuring and is effective modeling.
4. Be mindful of your own negative reactions to stress (e.g. shouting, drinking, smoking, slamming doors, isolation). Intentionally or not we teach by example. When you’re tense, try a walk, talking things over, or taking deep breaths.
5. Encourage drawing, storytelling, creative play and physical activities that are healthy, readily available ways to discharge anxiety. Exercise is one of the best ways to reduce stress.
6. Talk about stressors in the family rather than trying to hide them. Even when you think children don't understand the stressors in your life, they can sense them. It’s not necessary, nor fair, nor wise to share all adult problems with kids, but they probably sense when things are not right. Offer reassurance when you can and create an environment in which it’s ok to ask questions.
7. Share perspective. Remind children that although they may be having a really bad hour, or a really hard morning, somewhere in this day some nice things will happen too. At the dinner table, ask each person to offer a positive or highlight of his/her day.
If your child is having great difficulty dealing with stress please contact your school Prevention Specialist. We are here to help!
Scottsdale Prevention Institute
www.spi-az.org
480-443-3100
How the Safe Home Pledge Can Make a Difference?
This article appeared in the Scottsdale Republic, in response to “Scottsdale schools consider youth survey a call to action”, February 27, 2009:
If you are a parent, like me, with kids in the Scottsdale Unified School District, you probably found the results from the 2008 AZ Youth Survey regarding alcohol use alarming. 42.6% of eighth graders, 69.8% of 10th graders, and 79% of 12th graders have used alcohol. As I read these statistics, I felt helpless. I know that kids are going to experiment. So, realistically what can I, as a parent, do to protect my daughters from the real dangers of underage drinking?
A few of you may have heard of the Safe Home Pledge started by the Parents for Prevention several years ago at Arcadia HS and Ingleside Middle School. Basically, the purpose of the Pledge is to raise awareness and initiate conversations amongst parents. Parents who sign the pledge are designated in their school’s student directory with an asterisk beside their name signifying that they have committed to being a “Safe Home”. They pledge to not serve alcohol or other drugs to minors. They also pledge to not allow minors to consume alcohol or other drugs in their home or on their property and to supervise teens’ activities in their homes. They further promise to communicate with “Safe Home” parents of a child whom they observe using or under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.
The underlying promise is that we will look out for each other’s kids, not allow or tolerate the use of underage drinking, and let each other know if our children are using alcohol and drugs. It’s the old “it takes a village” idea. I know that if parents from my children’s school chose not to sign the Safe Home Pledge, I would seriously question letting my children go to their homes.
In recent years, the Safe Home Pledge has not been uniformly or consistently distributed throughout SUSD’s middle and high schools. I am working with Christine Roadifer, President of the Scottsdale Parent Council, to ensure that they are distributed next fall. Don’t wait for us, go to: http://www.scottsdaleparentcouncil.org/SAFEHOMEMOVEMENT.html
Ask the PTO and administrators at your school to include “Safe Homes” in the student directory. If taken seriously and followed, this Pledge can serve as an impetus for important conversations about the dangers of underage drinking and drug use within your family and amongst other parents in your community. There is no silver bullet to solving this widespread community problem but committing to the Safe Home Pledge is a parental step in the right direction.
Sincerely,
Dana Sherman, Parent and
School Program Director
Scottsdale Prevention Institute
dana.sherman@cox.net
480-205-3499
If you are a parent, like me, with kids in the Scottsdale Unified School District, you probably found the results from the 2008 AZ Youth Survey regarding alcohol use alarming. 42.6% of eighth graders, 69.8% of 10th graders, and 79% of 12th graders have used alcohol. As I read these statistics, I felt helpless. I know that kids are going to experiment. So, realistically what can I, as a parent, do to protect my daughters from the real dangers of underage drinking?
A few of you may have heard of the Safe Home Pledge started by the Parents for Prevention several years ago at Arcadia HS and Ingleside Middle School. Basically, the purpose of the Pledge is to raise awareness and initiate conversations amongst parents. Parents who sign the pledge are designated in their school’s student directory with an asterisk beside their name signifying that they have committed to being a “Safe Home”. They pledge to not serve alcohol or other drugs to minors. They also pledge to not allow minors to consume alcohol or other drugs in their home or on their property and to supervise teens’ activities in their homes. They further promise to communicate with “Safe Home” parents of a child whom they observe using or under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.
The underlying promise is that we will look out for each other’s kids, not allow or tolerate the use of underage drinking, and let each other know if our children are using alcohol and drugs. It’s the old “it takes a village” idea. I know that if parents from my children’s school chose not to sign the Safe Home Pledge, I would seriously question letting my children go to their homes.
In recent years, the Safe Home Pledge has not been uniformly or consistently distributed throughout SUSD’s middle and high schools. I am working with Christine Roadifer, President of the Scottsdale Parent Council, to ensure that they are distributed next fall. Don’t wait for us, go to: http://www.scottsdaleparentcouncil.org/SAFEHOMEMOVEMENT.html
Ask the PTO and administrators at your school to include “Safe Homes” in the student directory. If taken seriously and followed, this Pledge can serve as an impetus for important conversations about the dangers of underage drinking and drug use within your family and amongst other parents in your community. There is no silver bullet to solving this widespread community problem but committing to the Safe Home Pledge is a parental step in the right direction.
Sincerely,
Dana Sherman, Parent and
School Program Director
Scottsdale Prevention Institute
dana.sherman@cox.net
480-205-3499
Our Prevention Approach
Prevention is based on building social, behavioral, and confidence skills of children, starting at a very young age. By utilizing these skills, as children grow and face more pressures, the likelihood of their turning to alcohol, drugs, and destructive behavior is diminished. Instead of giving children one-time drug presentations in school, this type of comprehensive, holistic approach helps them build a “tool box” full of skills to use to develop healthy relationships and make healthy choices.
Relational Aggression: Is it normal and acceptable?
Relational Aggression: Is it normal and acceptable?
What is relational aggression? Relational aggression encompasses behaviors that harm others by damaging, threatening to damage or manipulating one's relationships with his/her peers, or by injuring one's feelings of social acceptance (the Ophelia Project).
For example:
- Purposefully ignoring someone when angry (giving the "silent treatment")
- Spreading rumors about a disliked classmate
- Telling others not to play with a certain classmate as a means of retaliation
- Malicious gossip and rumor spreading
- Taunting and name calling
- Cyberbullying
What motivates relational aggression? Researchers from the Ophelia Project asked youth why relational aggression occurs, their responses included:
Belonging – "If I share the secret she told me with you, my information can get me ‘in’ with the popular group."
Fear – "I’m afraid of being rejected by my classmates, or that I'll be the next target, so I go along with it."
Drama – "I’m bored, and relational aggression creates drama and excitement."
Isn’t relational aggression just normal behavior? Parents who contend that relational aggression is just part of normal behavior perpetuates the myth that bullying and peer aggression, and the hurt caused by both, are "normal" or "just how kids are" or simply a "rite of passage." For the 160,000 children who miss school each day due to fear of being tormented by their classmates (National Education Association), relational aggression is anything but "normal."
Furthermore, research proves that relational aggression is related to increased depression; lower academic performance; increased suicidal ideation; increased anxiety, anger, and sadness; and other negative consequences
How can I protect my child from the harmful effects of relational aggression? Research suggests that adolescents who are more connected to their school (e.g. involved in activities, clubs, sports), have secure relationships with adults, demonstrate empathy and report more forgiveness are less likely to be involved with relationally aggressive behavior. Further, they report less tolerance of relationally aggressive behaviors in others.
What can SPI do? Prevention is our priority. Children and adolescents need to be taught how to establish and maintain healthy relationships. What children learn and tolerate during their early developmental years becomes a “training ground” for future adult relationships. Relational aggression is a stable, learned behavior and without prevention/intervention efforts, will not fade away after adolescence.
Join an after-school girls’ group to learn to deal with relational aggression. Nancy Cohen, an SPI Specialist, just completed a very successful Girls Inc. group at Sequoya Elementary School that was funded through tax credit monies.
Girls Inc. was offered after school for 4th and 5th grade girls. This was a 5 week program that addressed the following friendship topics:
- What qualities should I look for in a in a true friend, who are my true friends, and am I a true friend
- What behaviors interfere with healthy friendships?
- What do bully behaviors look like and could I be engaging in bully behavior?
- What are the four types of bullies?
- How can I stand up for myself and my friends? What can I say? How should I react?
Resources for girls and parents to deal with relational aggression:
www.theopheliaproject.org
Monday, April 6, 2009
Bullying Article
Many parents are at a loss when they discover that their child is being bullied at school. Do they get involved? Let their child handle it on their own? They wonder why their child, in particular, is being picked on?
Even more alarming, however, is that fact that many parents are not even aware that their child is being attacked. This article addresses why children bully, how to identify if your child is being bullied, and what your child can do to prevent or stop bullying.
Children bully because it gives them a sense of power and domination over others. The bottom line is that it makes them feel powerful. More often than not their parents have used power-assertive discipline at home or they have been bullied themselves (e.g., by schoolmates, siblings, etc.). Many bullies come from homes where the parents are cold or uninvolved. Bullies typically carry a great deal of internal anger, pain, insecurity, lack interpersonal skills, and show little remorse for hurting others.
A larger set of children are not direct bullies but rather are bystanders. These bystanders tease others to go along with the crowd. While these students typically express some guilt over their actions very few go against the crowd to stop the bullying. Victims are more often harassed by groups of students than a single "bully."
Boys and Girls differ in how they bully. Girls tend to engage in verbal bullying or relational aggression such as excluding someone from the group or spreading rumors about another person. Boys are more likely to engage in direct aggression such as physical fighting or verbal attacks.
That said, you may still be wondering, why my child? Your child did not cause the bullying. However, there are certain characteristics that victims of bullies often share. They are typically (but not always) withdrawn, anxious, timid, children who react to bullying with overt emotion (e.g., fear, crying). They give the bullies the reaction they want. Also, victims may be targeted for looking or acting differently. Body weight, style of dress, high/low intelligence, race, ethnicity, and lack of social skills (e.g., appearing intrusive) are all common characteristics of victims.
Even more important is identifying the signs that your child is being bullied. Engulfed in our hectic schedules, we, as parents, may not even be aware that our child is being bullied.
Here are some signs to look for:
If you suspect that your child is being bullied ask your child directly but try to stay neutral (cool) and not get overly emotional about the situation; otherwise your child may feel even more helpless. Tell him that no one has the right to make him feel badly about himself. Encourage your child to tell you about these incidents--listen and share the hurt with him. Assure him that he is not defective and that there are things he can do to prevent or stop the bullying.
Bullies have an ability to detect and prey on insecurity. Therefore, advise your child to stand tall, look the bully in the eye, use a firm voice and say, "You are being a bully and you need to knock it off. You are not funny." Tell him to stay calm, neutral and try not to show his fear. Practice this response at home with your child and encourage him to practice these responses in the mirror over and over until he feels comfortable and confident. Work on building his self-esteem through activities he is good at and by spending more time with supportive friends.
Also encourage your child to report the incident to a teacher or administrator he trusts. If there isn't anyone he trusts, offer to get involved. Administrators and teachers should promise discretion and anonymity.
No parent wants his or her child to be bullied. Bullying can go on for years and cause severe self-esteem problems. Be involved, empathetic, and constructive-- you can help your child prevent or stop bullying before it becomes a serious problem.
Even more alarming, however, is that fact that many parents are not even aware that their child is being attacked. This article addresses why children bully, how to identify if your child is being bullied, and what your child can do to prevent or stop bullying.
Children bully because it gives them a sense of power and domination over others. The bottom line is that it makes them feel powerful. More often than not their parents have used power-assertive discipline at home or they have been bullied themselves (e.g., by schoolmates, siblings, etc.). Many bullies come from homes where the parents are cold or uninvolved. Bullies typically carry a great deal of internal anger, pain, insecurity, lack interpersonal skills, and show little remorse for hurting others.
A larger set of children are not direct bullies but rather are bystanders. These bystanders tease others to go along with the crowd. While these students typically express some guilt over their actions very few go against the crowd to stop the bullying. Victims are more often harassed by groups of students than a single "bully."
Boys and Girls differ in how they bully. Girls tend to engage in verbal bullying or relational aggression such as excluding someone from the group or spreading rumors about another person. Boys are more likely to engage in direct aggression such as physical fighting or verbal attacks.
That said, you may still be wondering, why my child? Your child did not cause the bullying. However, there are certain characteristics that victims of bullies often share. They are typically (but not always) withdrawn, anxious, timid, children who react to bullying with overt emotion (e.g., fear, crying). They give the bullies the reaction they want. Also, victims may be targeted for looking or acting differently. Body weight, style of dress, high/low intelligence, race, ethnicity, and lack of social skills (e.g., appearing intrusive) are all common characteristics of victims.
Even more important is identifying the signs that your child is being bullied. Engulfed in our hectic schedules, we, as parents, may not even be aware that our child is being bullied.
Here are some signs to look for:
- he seems more withdrawn or fearful
- he cannot name a friend or does not talk about a friend at school
- he does not call or invite any friends over
- he comes home with torn or dirty clothes
- his money or personal items are frequently missing
- he often complains of school related illnesses (e.g., stomachache, headache, etc.)
- he has a loss of appetite or eats constantly
- he has sleep disturbances
- he "hates" school and does not want to go
- he shows a decline in school performance
- he demonstrates increased anger or self-destructive behavior (e.g., eating disorder, cutting on self, etc.)
It is important to keep in mind that being shy and having only a few friends is not, in and of itself, a cause for concern. Having one or two supportive friends can mitigate many of the negative effects of being picked on. Most children are picked on at school, for a short period, at one time or another. One friendship can give your child the confidence he needs to stand up to a bully if necessary.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied ask your child directly but try to stay neutral (cool) and not get overly emotional about the situation; otherwise your child may feel even more helpless. Tell him that no one has the right to make him feel badly about himself. Encourage your child to tell you about these incidents--listen and share the hurt with him. Assure him that he is not defective and that there are things he can do to prevent or stop the bullying.
Bullies have an ability to detect and prey on insecurity. Therefore, advise your child to stand tall, look the bully in the eye, use a firm voice and say, "You are being a bully and you need to knock it off. You are not funny." Tell him to stay calm, neutral and try not to show his fear. Practice this response at home with your child and encourage him to practice these responses in the mirror over and over until he feels comfortable and confident. Work on building his self-esteem through activities he is good at and by spending more time with supportive friends.
Also encourage your child to report the incident to a teacher or administrator he trusts. If there isn't anyone he trusts, offer to get involved. Administrators and teachers should promise discretion and anonymity.
No parent wants his or her child to be bullied. Bullying can go on for years and cause severe self-esteem problems. Be involved, empathetic, and constructive-- you can help your child prevent or stop bullying before it becomes a serious problem.
Here are some additional resources for parents and children:
- School Wide Prevention of Bullying www.safeschools@nwrel.org
- Don't Laugh at Me http://www.dontlaugh.org/
- Olweus Bullying Prevention Program www.colorado.edu/cspc/blueprints/
- Bullying Interventions http://www.nwrel.org/
- Bullying.org http://www.bullying.org/
- Let's Talk about Bullying http://www.talk-helps.com/
- Anti-Bullying Hotline http://www.stopthebully.org/
- Not My Kid http://www.notmykid.org/
- Bullying Online www.bullying.co.uk/school/
- Nickelodeon TALK www.nick.com/your_world
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