Ask Dr. Dana: Why is family mealtime so important? What are the benefits?

September 28th is National Family Day – A Day to Eat Dinner with Your Children
This is a national movement launched by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University to remind parents that frequent family Dinners Make A Difference!

Parental engagement fostered at the dinner table can be a simple, effective tool to help prevent substance abuse in kids.

Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse

More than a decade of research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school.

CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.

Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
• Three times more likely to try marijuana
• Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes
• One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol

Ten Benefits of Family Dinners
Teens that have frequent family dinners are:
1. At half the risk for substance abuse compared to teens who eat with their families less frequently

2. More likely to get better grades

3. Less likely to have friends who use illicit drugs

4. More likely to have lower levels of tension and stress

5. More likely to say that their parents were proud of them

6. More emotionally stable

7. More likely to have positive relationships

8. More likely to have healthier eating habits

9. Less likely to contemplate suicide

10. Less likely to try marijuana or have friends who do

The Challenge for Busy Families!

We know that that shared dinners make for stronger families. The problem is that between after-school activity schedules and parents’ busy work schedules, making connections within the family requires a concerted effort.

Tips for Making the Most Out of Family Dinners:
1. Make family dinners a requirement

2. Involve your teenagers in all phases of the meal

3. Go around the table and take turns starting a topic or asking a silly question

4. Take turns expressing “highs and lows” of the day

5. Ask open-ended questions to get your teens talking

Additional Facts from CASA:

• Kids are particularly vulnerable to substance use during transitions from elementary to middle school, middle to high school, and from high school to college.
• More than forty percent of America’s teens – some 10 million – can buy marijuana within a day and 20 percent—some 5 million—can get it in an hour or less.
• Each day more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink.
• Children and teens that begin drinking before age 15 are four times likelier to become alcohol dependent than those who do not drink before age 21.
• More than five million high school students, almost a third, admit binge drinking at least once a month.
• On average, teenagers who use alcohol, tobacco and marijuana begin using them between 12 and 14 years of age, with some of the highest risk kids starting to use even earlier.

Ask Dr. Dana

Why does my 13 year old get so emotional and overwhelmed about everything? She’s only in middle school.

The number one complaint we hear from kids is that parents pooh-pooh their fears, concerns, and stressors. Many parents’ think that since they survived middle and high school unscathed, so can their kids. They also compare all of the stress and responsibility they face in their adult lives with their children’s stress and come to the conclusion that their children don’t have anything to be stressed about. In other words, their children’s lives are simple compared to their own (what does Billy really have to worry about?)

What these well meaning parents fail to take into consideration is that stress is relative and feels real and overwhelming to their child. Adolescents don’t “experience” their situation from an adults’ perspective or by comparing their level of stress to an adult’s. They can’t.

Cognitively speaking, children’s frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until age 23. So, your 13 year olds’ brain is only half as developed as an adult brain. They can’t see solutions or manage their emotions the way an adult can.

Although their objective degree of stress may be less than an adult’s, they don’t experience their situation as less stressful. They feel the pressure to achieve, perform, fit-in, and form connections with others, as strongly, if not more strongly than adults.

They need help; your help. If you aren’t willing to really listen to and validate their concerns and stressors, guess what? They will turn away from you and towards their friends who are going through similar emotions. The problem here is that other teens are as emotionally ill-equipped to deal with their stress as your child.

To teach your children how to manage stress start by listening and validating their specific concerns, struggles, and fears. Teaching them how to prioritize, manage their time, and confront peer conflicts will reduce their level of stress. Similarly, role playing peer conflict situations with your children can provide the self-confidence they need to stand up for themselves or begin a difficult emotional conversation.

Ask Dr. Dana

Scottsdale Prevention Institute Phone: 480-443-3100
6908 E. Thomas Rd. Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85251 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org

Ask Dr. Dana:

What are the most commonly used drugs for middle and high school students?

· OxyCotin--Individuals abuse OxyCotin for the euphoric effect it produces--an effect similar to that associated with heroin use. Street names include: Cotton, Hillbilly Heroin, Kicker, OCs, Ox, Os, Oxy, Pills, 40 (a 40 milligram tablet), 80 (an 80 milligram tablet)

· Soma--Soma causes drowsiness, giddiness, and relaxation. Street names include: Ds, Dance, Las Vegas Cocktail (combination of Soma and Vicodin), Soma Coma (combination of Soma and codeine)

· Ecstasy—Ecstasy has stimulant properties, enabling kids to dance for hours at all-night parties and nightclubs. It also has hallucinogenic effects. Street names include: MDMA, Ecstasy, XTC, E, X, Beans, Adams, Hug Drug, Disco Biscuit, Go, Adam, hug, love drug)

**Kids tell our Prevention Specialists that they can “order” any kind of pill at school and get it by the end of the school day.

What can you do?
1) Monitor your kids’ whereabouts (i.e., where they are, who they are with, what they are doing);

2) Take time to communicate with and validate your kids’ stressors;

3) Give kids practical, realistic coping skills to deal with pressure.

If you have a parenting or social/coping skills questions for Dr. Dana send questions to dana.sherman@cox.net

Dana Sherman, Ph.D.
School Program Director
Scottsdale Prevention Institute
dana.sherman@cox.net
480-443-3100 x 222

Underage Drinking Article

Scottsdale Prevention Institute Phone: 480-443-3100
8102 E. Jackrabbit Road, #B Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85250 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org

Scottsdale Prevention Institute’s (SPI) CALL TO ACTION:
Join Our Campaign to Curb Underage Drinking

How Common is Underage Drinking Among Youth?

Drinking among US teenagers is a serious problem. Alcohol is the most commonly used drug among teens. According to the 2006 Arizona Youth Survey, approx. 50 percent of surveyed eighth graders have sampled alcohol and more than 20 percent of our high school sophomores report coming to school drunk on at least one occasion. By the time they graduate high school, nearly 75 percent of Arizona’s kids will have experimented with alcohol.

Youth are now reporting that their first drink came at age 14. 24% of 8th graders, 39% of 10th graders, and 47% of 12th graders reported drinking within the past 30 days (Arizona Youth Survey, 2006).

Alcohol + Energy Drinks = A Hazardous Combination
The caffeine in Red Bull (and other energy drinks) causes blood vessels to expand, allowing more alcohol to get into the blood stream. Energy drinks are a stimulant and alcohol is a depressant, so the two end up counteracting. People are then left unable to realize how drunk they truly are.
Use by 8th, 10th, and 12th graders in higher in AZ than it is nationwide (National Monitoring the Future, 2006).

Alcopops -- the Newest Trend in Underage Drinking.
These fruit flavored malt beverages come in colorful
packaging similar in design to many teen-friendly soft drinks. They are called "flavored malt beverages" or "low alcohol refreshers" by the alcohol industry, even though their alcohol content rivals most beers.

AZ ranks 20th among all states for the percentage of youth (ages 12-20) who report binge drinking within the past 30 days, meaning only 19 states have more binge drinkers (SAMHSA, National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 2003-2004).

How Do Underage Drinkers Obtain Alcohol?
Most underage drinkers report it is "very easy" to obtain alcohol. Most get it from:
Third Parties (e.g., legal-age friends, siblings, and strangers)
Commercial outlets, such as stores, bars, and restaurants (often by using a fake ID)
Home is the primary source of alcohol among the youngest drinkers, either stolen from parents’ supplies, or given willingly by some parents.

What is Parents’ Role in Underage Drinking?
The Good…Parent’s Approval and Involvement Matters
Children say that parental disapproval of underage drinking is the key reason they have chosen not to drink.

Charles Curie, former substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).
Teens who have two or fewer family dinners a week are twice as likely to smoke daily and get drunk monthly, compared to teens who have at least five family dinners per week. (The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 2006)
The report’s findings underscore the significance of family dinners as a proxy for parental engagement and communication.

The Bad…Most Teens Get Alcohol from Parents and Friends (AMA News Release, 2005)

• Nearly half of surveyed AZ adults believe it is ok for youth to drink alcohol under parental or adult supervision (AZ Attitudes on Youth Drinking Survey, 2006).
• Two out of three teens, aged 13-18, said it is easy to get alcohol from their homes without parents knowing.
• One third responded that it is easy to obtain alcohol from their own parents knowingly and one in four teens has attended a party where minors were drinking in front of parents.
• More than 37% of adults report providing alcohol to youth.
• A national survey reported that 31% of kids who said they had been drunk in the past year had parents who believed their children were nondrinkers.

How Does Alcohol Affect the Teenage Brain?
Even moderate amounts of alcohol can seriously damage short-term and long -term growth processes in the teenage brain, according to the American Medical Association, essentially hard wiring kids for addiction in later life.

Drinking alcohol during puberty may upset the critical hormone balance needed for normal development of organs, muscles, bones, and the reproductive system (National Institute of Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism, 2006)

Is Your Teenager Using Drugs or Alcohol? Look for these signs:

• Mood Swings. Although mood swings are normal for teens, look for extreme changes—your child acting happy and upbeat one-minute followed by withdrawal or fits of anger or rage.
• Secrecy. If your child begins to act with increased secrecy about possessions or activities it may be a sign for concern.
• New Friends. If your child is using, chances are he or she will be spending time with others who have similar interests. Is your child suddenly hanging around with new friends?
• Changed School Habits. Is your child skipping classes? Suddenly getting bad grades?

What Can Parents Do?

• Form a network with other parents so that if you are away, they can check and make sure your home is not being used for an unauthorized drinking party.
• Be aware that even responsible children can have a small party spin out of control through text messages and cell phones.
• Avoid sending party invitations by email. They’re easy to forward and can result in uninvited guests.
• When hosting a party, be sure to have plenty of food and non-alcoholic beverages. Adults should keep an eye on things without becoming obtrusive.
• Talk to your children about drinking and listen to your child’s concerns.
  

When Are Kids Most at Risk?
Studies show that kids are more at risk for alcohol, drugs, and sex between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., while many parents are still at work. (The California Governor’s Prevention Advisory Council’s).

Kids' Word vs. Parents' Word

Very soon after I started working in the schools, some kids started to disclose the ways in which parents had frightened them, hit them, yelled at them-- basically behaved badly.

I got a lot of advice about these very delicate parent-child issues. Adults (staff, teachers, neighbors, friends, my mom) had very strong opinions about the kids' statements. Some said that I shouldn't believe everything that the kids said. They believe that kids often make up stuff to get what they want. You know this argument; kids are prone to exaggerate if not outright lie.

Other adults passionately believe that the kids are telling the truth--after all, why would they lie?

As a teacher working within the school system I am obligated to report abusive/neglectful behavior. Obviously, the question is: what is abusive/neglectful behavior? Is spanking, a whooping (with a belt), lunging at or striking a child, hitting with a tennis raquet, cursing, threatening, withholding food? (Yes, these are all things I've heard).

Where is the line? Who decides? What are the parents' rights? What are the child's rights? These are all valid questions. Moreover, when one parent pits a child against another parent, this line gets blurrier. After all, children are impressionable and can be brain washed (oh, I mean convinced).

However, at the end of the day, one party has the power, the resources, and the Voice in this society and one party does not.

Both my personal experience and expertise tell me that children do not want to get their parent(s) in trouble. In fact, most children will go to great lengths to keep their parents' problems secret. Children want, no--need, to believe that their parents can take care of them. Their very survival depends on it.

I contend that it is very rare for a child to completely fabricate a claim against a parent. While a parent may not have done exactly what the child claims, the parent probably lost his/her temper or acted badly in the situation. No matter how "naughty" children are, a parent is still the responsible adult in the situation. Right?

I've pledged to be a voice for children but I know that these issues are not black and white, cut and dry. It is the parent's job/right to discipline a child. Just when has it crossed the line?

Now, you tell me. Please.

Discipline/ Setting Limits

Originally written for parenting class.

Setting Limits:
Information adapted from Kathleen Berger’s The Developing Person Through the Lifespan; Faber & Mazlish, (1980), How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk; and Edward Cristophersen, Parenting That Works: Building Skills that Last a Lifetime.

Setting limits and disciplining your child is not optional. Children need boundaries-- it shows them how to act appropriately, find their way in the world, and gives them the security that someone is watching out for them, giving them choices but not too many. The best parents, as difficult as it is, strike a balance between discipline and nurturing—knowing when each is appropriate. Think of it this way, your toddler’s job is to test limits and your job is to set them. Setting limits is your job.

Toddlers repeat annoying or destructive behavior to make sure they understand the rules. Their thinking goes something along the lines of: "I threw my food and Mommy yelled. But will she always yell? Let me try again and see if she responds the same way."


The purpose and goals of limit setting includes:

• To insure a safe, secure and comfortable environment where there are reasonable and clear-cut guidelines and expectations.
• To help them develop self-discipline or self-control (how to regulate their emotions), so that even if we are not present they will make sound judgments and think before they act.
  Developing self-discipline is an important aspect of being optimistic, happy and successful.
  

Tips:

• Maintain a sense of humor. Remember that your child is a work in progress and you can't expect him to always act the way you want him to. It is your children’s developmental job to test the boundaries and your job to set and enforce them.

• Set expectations.Toddlers are anxious when they can't predict what's coming next. Give him a five-minute warning that you have to leave; the more upset he gets the more important it is for you to stay calm. This is not easy. If you’ve given him warnings and he is screaming, calmly pick him up and carry him to the car. Don’t worry we have all had to do it.
• In situations that are stressful for him, be proactive and firm, redirect him when you can. Even if you think he’s too young try to explain the situation in simple terms and let him know what’s coming next.

• Be clear and consistent. If naptime is always after lunch and your child puts up a fuss, be firm and confident as you enforce his rest period. He needs consistency. If videos aren't allowed after dinner but you let him watch "just this one" tonight so you can make a phone call, he'll test you and demand one — forcefully — every night for the rest of the week. If you threaten a consequence to a behavior, do it each and every time. If not, your child will learn that you will cave and escalate his behavior in an effort to make you.

• Provide Routine. Tantrums often happen because your child doesn’t like change—toddlers like predictable routine. They are more likely to have tantrums if they are hungry, tired, or off their schedule. Look for ways to reduce stress.

• Know when to stay close and when to give him space. As your child wants more independence, he will vacillate between wanting to be close and demanding his independence. It can be frustrating to deal with a fickle youngster but this is part of his developmental job he isn’t trying to be difficult.
• If you child is prone to biting or hitting (it is normal at this age) stay close and try to redirect or intervene when you see him getting frustrated. If he can’t help himself, leave! I know it’s a bummer to leave social situations but sometimes you have to (the other mothers will respect you for it).
• If your child does bite or hit, respond to the victim first. Move your child away (no cuddling) and hug the victim. Yelling at your child may be giving him the attention he is seeking. Calmly say, "Don’t bite. Biting hurts." You made Billy sad.
• During tantrums it is especially hard to stay neutral and affectionate. If he doesn’t want to be held leave him alone until he calms down. It may be safer to put him in his room where he can kick and yell. Whatever you do try to stay calm and reassuring. Getting angry or shutting down will only escalate his frustration.

• Create a "yes" environment. Let your child pour his own juice out of a little pitcher, use a fork at dinner, put on his own shoes. Even if everything is a little messier and takes a little longer, his increased independence and cooperation are worth it. Also, look at how your house is organized. Is there a low cupboard in the kitchen filled with pots or Tupperware that he can play with? Are his toys and books easy to reach?
• Soothe his senses. If your child gets over-stimulated, help him wind down by cuddling and reading a book, or taking a bath. Take note of which situations seem to over-stimulate your child and try to cut them off at the pass.

• Acknowledge feelings. When he gets upset, let him know he's not the only one who is sometimes overcome by difficult emotions. Try saying: "You don't like to be around a lot of people and commotion. I don't either. We'll leave the mall as soon as we've paid for these shoes." Even if he doesn't seem to learn much from it at this age, always explain. Eventually he'll learn to recognize what winds him up before he goes over the edge.

• Positive Reinforcement. Don't worry that your child will get a big head if you praise him. Reinforce his efforts with positive messages: "Good job getting out of the tub when I asked you to. Good job sharing that toy with Bobby." Use praise—when your child collects himself after a tantrum pick him up and hold him. Tell him you are proud of him for calming himself down.

• Set realistic expectations. If your highly energetic child can't sit still at the table, don't risk taking him to a restaurant — plan a family picnic in the park instead. If he's slow to adapt to new people, don't take him to see Santa when he's 2 — wait until he's 5 or 6. And if you find yourself in an over-stimulating situation, such as a playmate's big birthday party, don't be shy about leaving early, before your toddler loses it.

• Try not to label. Be conscious of the way you describe your child. The "wild child" who is "stubborn," "exhausting," and a "crybaby" is also a spirited child who is persistent, energetic, and sensitive — all traits that are admired in adults. Use positive labels when discussing your child with relatives and teachers, and they'll come to see his wonderful attributes too.

Escalated Punishment: Individualized Discipline
The Concept: Escalated punishment means that the parents take away whatever their child most covets. This is individualized discipline.

Some children do not mind being put in time-out; they may enjoy reading quietly in their room. For this child, escalated punishment requires the parent to take away coveted books or deny "reading time" before bed.

Other children dislike being separated from mom/dad (the group) and for this child, a time-out or separation from the group will likely deter unwanted behavior.

Although it may sound cruel, escalated punishment involves figuring out what your child most craves and taking it away (or withholding it) when he/she misbehaves.
Parents will know they are on the right track if the child protests (and sheds a few tears) to the punishment.

Discussion and Understanding
After the punishment period is over it is very important to discuss the situation with him. Ask him if he knows why he was punished and explain what he did wrong AND what you expect him to do next time.

For example, "you were sent to your room because you kept interrupting mommy while I was on the phone. I asked you to wait until I got off the phone but you didn't listen. Next time I am on the phone, if you really need something, silently tap me on the leg like this and I will get it for you when I am off the phone." If he taps you on the leg next time you are on the phone try to take a break in the conversation after a few minutes and attend to him so he knows you are still there for him. Over time he will be able to wait longer to have his needs met.

Perfectionistic Parenting

Article originally written by Dana Sherman for a parenting workshop.

We live in a society in which we are taught to strive for excellence, to be our best, at everything we do. In some domains, like professionally, this helps us achieve. I recognize this in you, in the questions you ask me, because it’s in me too. I am a perfectionist. My perfectionism has helped me achieve in ways I am very proud of and it has also been painful at times.

These expectations can get us in trouble. You are going to be a parent as long as you are alive. That’s a long time. This isn’t a race; it’s a slow marathon. You will make mistakes—you won’t be perfect. You may even be a long way from perfect at times. Expecting yourself to be perfect is setting yourself up for failure. Unrealistic, perfectionist expectations of parenting will only hurt you and your children.

I hear these words a lot from moms about parenting:

• Goals
• Accomplishments
• Achieving
• Expectations
• Confidence
• Setting Priorities
• Being the best mom you can be
  

Part of the discussion today has to do with semantics—we are used to using this language in our adult life. At the same time, there is something disconcerting about these words for a relatively new mom in the context of raising children. These words don’t mean a thing to your child. They are expectations and definitions you have imposed on yourself. I am not suggesting you should stop striving to be a good parent—to learn more, be more empathetic, more consistent, and be a better role model. You are and you should.

I want you to think about two important concepts today.

Good Enough/Successful Parenting:
"Good-enough parenting'' is a clinical term that means parents don't have to be perfect, just "good enough.''

If a child has a parent who can allow them to have their feelings, provide empathy, love and structure, the theory goes, the child will grow up to be well adjusted despite mistakes parents make. This isn't to say that parents won't do something wrong or lose their temper. With "good-enough'' parenting, the safety, structure and love is in place, and the child will be able to weather the times when the parent is angry, sad, distracted, etc.


Definition of Perfectionism vs. Success:
Being successful is defined as adhering to high standards but not at the expense of self-esteem. You accomplish something challenging and you feel good about it. Perfectionism is defined as having extremely high standards that never seem to be met or feel satisfying. You accomplish something and you remind yourself you still haven’t achieved the ultimate goal. You may temporarily feel relieved but not great.

Good enough/successful parenting arises from the realization that you are human and you only need to try your best, not be the best. Perfectionist parenting arises from insecurity and fear of not being good enough. Separate what your child needs from your perception of what others think of you: other mothers, your husband, family members, friends, the media. What matters are what your child thinks, wants, and needs.

• What do you think our children really need?
• What pressures have you felt?
• Where does the idea of Supermom come from?
  

Books:

• Perfect Madness: Mothering in the age of Uncertainty—Judith Werner
• I Don’t know how she does it?—Allison Pearson
• Mothering Without a Map—Kathryn Black
• The Good Enough Mother by Newsweek Columnist, Anna Quindlen, Feb. 21 issue
  

Divorce Article

Originally written by Dana Sherman for Arizona Parenting Magazine.

Many of us are children of divorce. As children our parents were our source of security and their breakup affected us. Were you caught in the middle of a tug of war, were your parents addicted to fighting, were you confused, angry, did you blame yourself? Or, was it basically a seamless transition, did your parents put your needs first, affirm that you are loved, and stay involved in your social and academic life? Undoubtedly, the answers to these questions have shaped your own history and have affected your adult relationships. Now we are parents ourselves and some of us are separated or divorced. We are making decisions that will shape our children’s memories and impact their future relationships.

Parents can have joint legal custody, meaning both parents have legal responsibility for decision making about the children’s welfare. Some parents with joint legal custody also have joint physical custody, wherein children spend significant amounts of time (i.e., though not necessarily equal time) with both parents.

The Custody Debate. The debate over whether joint custody works should be a parenting issue. What is in the best interest of the children? Which type of arrangement works best for reasonably cooperative parents, for high conflict parents? What have we learned about children and divorce that can guide these decisions?

Thankfully, we have learned much about parenting and divorce since we were children. Both research and practical experience suggest that, in most cases, two parents are better than one. Dr. Braver, Professor of Psychology at ASU and Co-Principal Investigator at ASU’s Prevention Research Center, agrees that children typically fare better when both parents are significantly involved in their lives. Therefore, the current trend is for courts to favor some form of joint custody over sole custody. Proponents of joint custody believe that this type of arrangement forces parents to work together over time. They argue that sole custody arrangements give the non-custodial parent "an out", often resulting in less parental involvement.

Conversely, proponents of sole custody argue that for parents who cannot communicate effectively, joint custody can lead to increased conflict. They contend that poor communication is typically an important reason for the divorce itself and it is not realistic to expect that parents can make joint decisions. Typically, one parent has provided most of the care-taking responsibilities for the child during the marriage and that parent is most able to care for the child and make decisions after the divorce.

Cheryl Wilson, a former resident of Phoenix, says that sole custody would be in her 12 year-old-daughter, Tori’s, best interest. Even though Tori’s parents have joint legal custody, her father’s involvement has decreased over the years and now they have a very strained relationship. "He doesn’t try to fit into my life, he just does what is convenient for him", says Tori. Cheryl believes that if she had sole custody the situation would be easier for Tori. Cheryl explains, "I know that it is best for Tori to have a healthy relationship with her dad but right now it is not healthy and it is not what Tori wants." Cheryl hopes that Tori and her dad will eventually agree to her suggestion to go to counseling. She believes that it is up to the parents, not the custody arrangement, to determine how involved they will be in their children’s lives.

Addicted to Fighting. Experts on both sides of the custody debate agree that joint custody should not be granted when one parent is physically or emotionally abusive, mentally ill, or physically or emotionally unable to take care of the child. What is in the child’s best interest becomes trickier in non-abusive, but high conflict situations. Dr. Sandler, Regent Professor of Psychology at ASU and Director of the Prevention Research Center, has been conducting research on children and families in high stress situations for over 20 years. He states that although most children of divorce are resilient and do not exhibit long-term problems, children whose parents engage in higher levels of conflict are at greater risk for poor school performance, low-self esteem, and less successful social relationships. In fact, as Garrity and Baris say in their book, Caught in the Middle, "Over time, parental wars take a greater toll on a child’s development than any other single factor in divorce."

That said, conflict between parents does not automatically prevent families from having successful joint custody arrangements. It does mean that these parents have a tougher road ahead of them. They need to learn how to: 1) communicate more effectively with the other parent, and 2) buffer children against getting sucked into adult issues.

Divorced parents go through a wide range of emotions when separating; they can be overwhelmed by anger, feelings of betrayal, depression, and fear. More often than not, these feelings dominate their thinking and decisions in the early stages of separation. This is when it is most important to realize that children’s sense of security and self-worth is derived from both parents.

What Children Want. Ask a child of divorce what he/she wants and most give similar answers. Children want both parents to be involved in their lives. As Tori says, "I want my dad to be more involved in my life. I want him to come to my ballet recitals and he never has." No matter whom they live with, children of divorce desperately want both parents to be there for special events, to answer their questions, allay their fears, and share their interests.

Payton Karvis is only three years old but he knows what he wants. His mother, April Lovellette, resident of Scottsdale, alternates weeks with her ex-husband. She says that by the end of the week, Payton starts saying "I miss my mommy or my daddy", depending on whose week it is. April says, " as young as he is, he is able to communicate that he misses each of us when he hasn’t seen us for a few days".

Parenting Plans. Perhaps the most important factor in fostering success in joint custody arrangements is for both parents to develop a parenting plan at the time of separation or divorce. This plan offers some structure for parents to stay focused on the children and map out how specific issues will be handled. The plan will probably change over time as children’s needs and interests change. In general, parenting agreements should describe details concerning how parents plan to meet the children’s medical, psychological, educational, spiritual, physical, and social needs.

More specifically, as the Holiday Season approaches, effective parenting plans can prevent conflict by setting clear expectations. Although the Holidays are meant to be a time of sharing with loved ones, the expectations and traditions surrounding this period can make it an especially stressful time for divorced families. Detailed planning can make transitions and events easier for everyone. Here are some tips for the Holidays.

• Plan Ahead—Decide the arrangement long before the holidays. Decide: 1) whether to swap holidays, or 2) the number of days spent with each parent, and 3) dates, times, and locations for the visits.
• Stay Flexible—Planning ahead doesn’t mean being rigid. For example, if you have out-of-town relatives coming to visit this year, ask in advance for the kids on those days.
• Accept Differences—In terms of parenting styles and discipline, make a commitment to agree on basic values (i.e., not buying violent video games or letting the children go to R-rated movies) and accept inconsequential differences (i.e., what time the kids go to bed when their cousins are visiting). Remember to choose your battles; while overall consistency in parenting is a must, absolute consistency, especially over the Holidays, is impossible.
• Be Fair—Creating a fair plan does not necessarily mean splitting equal time between parents but rather that both parents are involved, their needs are considered, and final decisions are made in the children’s best interest.

What works. Michelle, of Scottsdale, has an eight-year-old daughter who spends equal time with her and her ex-husband. Michelle and her ex-husband have worked hard to establish consistent bedtimes and homework schedules for both households. As Michelle puts it, "we have had numerous discussions concerning schedules, and have had to get past some resistance and defensiveness on both sides, to come to an arrangement that is in our daughter’s best interest. I really believe that maintaining a consistent schedule is crucial for children who spend considerable time with both parents."

Patrick Karvis, Payton’s father, agrees that consistency is essential for children who live in two households. He adds, " having patience and staying focused on Payton are keys to being a good co-parent". Patrick says the hardest thing about being a single father is finding a support system because he does not have family in Arizona. Since none of his friends are single fathers, when Payton is with him they are on their own.

Tips. Here are some other important tips for making joint custody arrangements work.

• Healing with Time. Dr. Braver suggests that time is an essential element for divorced parent. He says that one to two years after separation parents have often dealt with their own issues and are able to re-focus on parenting issues.
• Focusing on Children’s Needs. Placing importance on the children’s needs helps parents focus on commonalties (i.e., parenting) versus differences. Learn to separate adult issues from parenting issues.
• Learning to Negotiate. As co-parents, it is helpful to learn negotiation and communication techniques to use in stressful interactions. As suggested by Drs. Thayer and Zimmerman in their book, The Co-Parenting Survival Guide, when emotions run high, keep the interactions short and simple, focus on your goals, seek to understand the other’s perspective, and listen to what the other parent is really saying.
• Dealing with Problems Before They Escalate. Think of creative ways to solve problems. Dr. Joy, a Scottsdale Therapist, says that many legal conflicts could be avoided if parents would think creatively. Based on her experience working with the Arizona Court System, she helps families use "out of the box" thinking to find solutions to visitation and other custody issues.
• Supporting your Child’s Relationship with the Other Parent. Children need both parents. Even if your child would rather go to a sleepover, parenting time with the other parent is important and should be mandatory (e.g., except in cases of suspected emotional or physical abuse)
  

Pitfalls.

• Coordinating Busy Schedules. It is often challenging to keep parents’ and children’s schedules straight. To prevent children from feeling "shuffled" between households set clear schedules and stick to them. If changes need to be made, parents and children should discuss the changes.
• Parenting Disagreements. As Dr. Joy says," parents should create the illusion that they get along with the other parent in front of the children". Experts emphasize that parents should never degrade one another. Be careful of subtle body language and voice tone; your children will pick up on it.
• Taking Advantage. Smart as they are, children can quickly learn to take advantage of parents by exploiting inconsistencies to get what they want. For example, "Mom lets me go to the mall with my friends why won’t you?" Consistent schedules and rules set clear expectations and reduce potential conflict.
• Trusting the Other Parent. What happens when one parent is often late or doesn’t keep promises? Trust erodes and resentment builds. Trusting the other parent to be dependable and reliable can be very difficult. Use your communication and negotiation skills to discuss these problems.
• Creating Loyalty Conflicts. Well meaning parents can place children in the middle of their conflicts. Children should not be asked to speak on parents’ behalf. Even in times of conflict, parents should support parenting time with the other parent.

Local Resources:

• Parenting Classes. Research, by Dr. Sandler and Colleagues at the Prevention Research Center, indicates that children of parents who took parenting classes showed significant reductions in a wide range of problems six years after the classes including, drug, marijuana and alcohol use; behavioral problems; and the number of sexual partners.
  Families can take parenting classes privately or through the court system. Although Arizona Courts now mandate that divorced parents take a parenting class, one class may not be enough. As family situations and dynamics change, parents may need more help guiding their children. To meet these needs, Dr. Sandler and Dr. Braver of ASU’s Prevention Research Center, are working on a innovative collaboration with the Arizona Court System to implement state-wide services for divorced families such as parenting classes and children’s education classes. For more information, call the Prevention Research Center at (480) 965-7420.

• Private Counseling. Therapist Marlene Joy, of Scottsdale, says that parenting counselors are an undervalued resource for divorced families. Therapists can help parents’ sort out tricky situations that could escalate if not handled effectively.

• Family Court Advisors. The Arizona Court System has a wide range of free services that are offered to divorcing families. Family Court Advisors are assigned to families dealing with ongoing custody conflicts. Other services range from parent conflict resolution classes to mediation services. For more information about services offered by the Arizona Supreme Court, contact Megan Hunter, Court Specialist, at (602) 542-9253 or visit www.superiorcourt.maricopa.gov

As parents, we try to do the best we can. Children’s needs—to feel loved, safe, and capable—are universal. The hard part is for parents to stay focused on these needs during their own crisis. Awareness and knowledge help. Once we know better, we can do better--for our children and ourselves.