This type of bulling is called Relational Aggression. Relational aggression encompasses behaviors that harm others by damaging, threatening to damage, or manipulating one's relationships with his/her peers, or by injuring one's feelings of social acceptance (the Ophelia Project).
The most important thing to do is strengthen your daughter’s self-confidence by putting her in situations that accentuate her talents and strengths. Providing your daughter with concrete ways to deal with the bullying is more important than confronting your friend or her daughter. Attempts at changing another’s behavior (friend or no friend) are unlikely to be successful. Focus on your daughter and what she can do to end her victimization.
What you can do?
• Don’t dismiss your daughter's stories as "drama", her perception is her reality. Actively listen to her thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
• If the relational aggression is not stopping, a quick tip is W T T: Walk away from the situation, Talk to someone and process, and Tell someone who can do something about it. Failure to report repeated relational aggression can lead to depression and other mental health problems.
• Practice (or role play) specific phrases/words she can use in specific situations to stand up to the bully
• If your child is lacking certain social skills or has difficulty reading subtle social clues, it is important that you give your child concrete, specific advice on peer interactions. Inviting friends over to your home affords you the opportunity to watch your daughter’s social interactions and provide supportive suggestions after her friend leaves.
Showing posts with label peer conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peer conflict. Show all posts
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Ask Dr. Dana: My child’s best friend dumped her. She is heartbroken, what can I do?
Most parents can relate. Your child comes home, sullen and slumped over. “Sarah doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore; she only wants to be with Lia!”
When this happens your heart will break right along with your child’s. It is very important to remain calm and not add your anger and hurt to your child’s. Chances are this is a bump in the road instead of a long-term break up. Below are some things you can do to help your child bounce back quickly.
• Your role is to listen and empathize with your kid’s feelings
• Help your child come up with his/her own game plan for situations that may be hurtful (i.e., lunch, recess, etc.) Even if you don’t like the plan, your child will be more confident if he/she comes up with their own.
• A common reason for friendship-dumping is when one child becomes too dependent on another child, making the friendship feel burdensome. If this applies, help your child to branch out and make new friends.
Most importantly, remember that over the course of a friendship your child will inevitably face conflict. As in adulthood, overcoming conflicts can make relationships even stronger. Directly dealing with conflict is a difficult but critical skill, for both children and adults.
When this happens your heart will break right along with your child’s. It is very important to remain calm and not add your anger and hurt to your child’s. Chances are this is a bump in the road instead of a long-term break up. Below are some things you can do to help your child bounce back quickly.
• Your role is to listen and empathize with your kid’s feelings
• Help your child come up with his/her own game plan for situations that may be hurtful (i.e., lunch, recess, etc.) Even if you don’t like the plan, your child will be more confident if he/she comes up with their own.
• A common reason for friendship-dumping is when one child becomes too dependent on another child, making the friendship feel burdensome. If this applies, help your child to branch out and make new friends.
Most importantly, remember that over the course of a friendship your child will inevitably face conflict. As in adulthood, overcoming conflicts can make relationships even stronger. Directly dealing with conflict is a difficult but critical skill, for both children and adults.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Ask Dr. Dana
Why does my 13 year old get so emotional and overwhelmed about everything? She’s only in middle school.
The number one complaint we hear from kids is that parents pooh-pooh their fears, concerns, and stressors. Many parents’ think that since they survived middle and high school unscathed, so can their kids. They also compare all of the stress and responsibility they face in their adult lives with their children’s stress and come to the conclusion that their children don’t have anything to be stressed about. In other words, their children’s lives are simple compared to their own (what does Billy really have to worry about?)
What these well meaning parents fail to take into consideration is that stress is relative and feels real and overwhelming to their child. Adolescents don’t “experience” their situation from an adults’ perspective or by comparing their level of stress to an adult’s. They can’t.
Cognitively speaking, children’s frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until age 23. So, your 13 year olds’ brain is only half as developed as an adult brain. They can’t see solutions or manage their emotions the way an adult can.
Although their objective degree of stress may be less than an adult’s, they don’t experience their situation as less stressful. They feel the pressure to achieve, perform, fit-in, and form connections with others, as strongly, if not more strongly than adults.
They need help; your help. If you aren’t willing to really listen to and validate their concerns and stressors, guess what? They will turn away from you and towards their friends who are going through similar emotions. The problem here is that other teens are as emotionally ill-equipped to deal with their stress as your child.
To teach your children how to manage stress start by listening and validating their specific concerns, struggles, and fears. Teaching them how to prioritize, manage their time, and confront peer conflicts will reduce their level of stress. Similarly, role playing peer conflict situations with your children can provide the self-confidence they need to stand up for themselves or begin a difficult emotional conversation.
The number one complaint we hear from kids is that parents pooh-pooh their fears, concerns, and stressors. Many parents’ think that since they survived middle and high school unscathed, so can their kids. They also compare all of the stress and responsibility they face in their adult lives with their children’s stress and come to the conclusion that their children don’t have anything to be stressed about. In other words, their children’s lives are simple compared to their own (what does Billy really have to worry about?)
What these well meaning parents fail to take into consideration is that stress is relative and feels real and overwhelming to their child. Adolescents don’t “experience” their situation from an adults’ perspective or by comparing their level of stress to an adult’s. They can’t.
Cognitively speaking, children’s frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until age 23. So, your 13 year olds’ brain is only half as developed as an adult brain. They can’t see solutions or manage their emotions the way an adult can.
Although their objective degree of stress may be less than an adult’s, they don’t experience their situation as less stressful. They feel the pressure to achieve, perform, fit-in, and form connections with others, as strongly, if not more strongly than adults.
They need help; your help. If you aren’t willing to really listen to and validate their concerns and stressors, guess what? They will turn away from you and towards their friends who are going through similar emotions. The problem here is that other teens are as emotionally ill-equipped to deal with their stress as your child.
To teach your children how to manage stress start by listening and validating their specific concerns, struggles, and fears. Teaching them how to prioritize, manage their time, and confront peer conflicts will reduce their level of stress. Similarly, role playing peer conflict situations with your children can provide the self-confidence they need to stand up for themselves or begin a difficult emotional conversation.
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