I am worried about my kids navigating the social networking world. Not so much because of predators or overtly hurtful bullies, but more because there are far-reaching, obscure consequences of electronic messaging that youngsters have trouble comprehending. I won’t try to stop the inevitable but it increases my parenting responsibilities exponentially. When I really think about teaching my daughters’ to navigate the virtual world in addition to the real world, I feel overwhelmed and vulnerable. Social networking sites make my already big job, bigger.
Before they embark on virtual relationships I have to teach my daughters’ about sharing private family information. I have read about children who unknowingly posted messages about their family’s financial situation or other sensitive issues that got them in hot water. What they didn’t realize was that, any and all, of this information can be spread rapidly in ways they haven’t considered. A friend who sees your child’s post tells another friend and away it goes. Instant communication is great and exciting except when it gets you in trouble.
What about when your child’s friend posts pictures from a sleepover or party that your child wasn’t invited to? What are the rules for that situation? What about when your child starts dating and the “break up” happens electronically and perhaps publically? What about when your child is eager to have the most “friends” and so they accept friends they have never met? Now these strangers have access to all of your child’s information.
What about when your child goes on-line to play games and a virtual player starts befriending your child and asking for, at first innocent and then, private information? I was shocked to hear this even happens on Webkinz and Club Penguins’ sites. Is that friendly penguin really an 8 year-old child?
As parents do we sit down with our children and go through every possible virtual scenario in an effort to prevent dangerous or hurtful situations? Can we possibly cover them all when they evolve and change on a weekly basis?
The answer has to involve interactive, daily communication or “checking in” with your child. When I suggest this, a common parental response is, “but my child won’t talk to me—all she wants to do is go to her room and text!” Try an active listening approach and bite your tongue when you get the urge to ask too many questions. Teens tend to interpret these types of conversations as interrogations.
Instead, I try to capitalize on those brief, daily chances to really listen even when my daughter is talking about something I don’t care much about (i.e., how Suzie wore the same jeans as Maddie). The content of the conversation doesn’t matter as much as the fact that we are engaging.
Here is some great advice I have gotten from talking to other parents:
1) Require your child to “friend” you but agree not to comment on their site—be a passive observer, don’t intrude unless you have to (i.e., you read something potentially dangerous or hurtful). This is much easier if you require this before they start using social networking sites.
2) Use others’ social networking mistakes as teaching opportunities. Instead of instantly de-friending someone, use the opportunity to teach your child how the situation could have been handled differently. Explicitly explain what you expect your child to do in this situation and why? Emphasize your values and expectations.
3) Apply virtual situations (i.e., social excluding via Facebook) to the playground (i.e., being teased at school) so that your child can clearly see how they relate and what is unique about a virtual environment. This can start a conversation about social networking “do’s and don’ts” and your expectations.
My oldest is only 9 so I will let you know if any of this actually works when she becomes a hormone-ridden teen.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Ask Dr. Dana: Why does it seem like many children I know who excel in elementary school do not excel when they get to Middle and High School?
While there could be many reasons for some children’s decline in success as they transition to Middle and High School, one theory in particular rings true for me.
A Psychology professor at Stanford University, Dr. Carol Dweck has tested her theory that students who believe they were born with all the smarts they’re ever going to have approach life with what she calls a “fixed mind-set.” In contrast, those who believe that their own abilities can expand over time, approach life with a “growth mind-set.”
Dr. Dweck’s extensive research suggests that the students who believed that intelligence and ability can grow (i.e., seeing the brain as a muscle that can be strengthened and understanding that neurons in the brain continue to make new connections) received higher grades than those who believed that intelligence is a fixed trait. Students with a fixed mindset believe that if you have to work hard it means that you don’t have the ability, and that you are just not smart enough. These kids are more likely to give up when they make mistakes and face challenges, believing they just don’t have what it takes to be successful.
This research drives one of Dr. Dweck’s main messages to parents, “If you really want smart kids, start by not telling them they’re smart”. Instead, praise their effort. Students who believe that the harder they work, the better their grades will be are more likely to persist, and therefore succeed, in the face of difficulties.
The idea of a growth mindset motivates teacher, parents, and students to hold a more optimistic, elastic attitude toward learning and intelligence.
My take away—praise specific instances in which your child demonstrates tenacity. Being smart will only get him/her so far.
A Psychology professor at Stanford University, Dr. Carol Dweck has tested her theory that students who believe they were born with all the smarts they’re ever going to have approach life with what she calls a “fixed mind-set.” In contrast, those who believe that their own abilities can expand over time, approach life with a “growth mind-set.”
Dr. Dweck’s extensive research suggests that the students who believed that intelligence and ability can grow (i.e., seeing the brain as a muscle that can be strengthened and understanding that neurons in the brain continue to make new connections) received higher grades than those who believed that intelligence is a fixed trait. Students with a fixed mindset believe that if you have to work hard it means that you don’t have the ability, and that you are just not smart enough. These kids are more likely to give up when they make mistakes and face challenges, believing they just don’t have what it takes to be successful.
This research drives one of Dr. Dweck’s main messages to parents, “If you really want smart kids, start by not telling them they’re smart”. Instead, praise their effort. Students who believe that the harder they work, the better their grades will be are more likely to persist, and therefore succeed, in the face of difficulties.
The idea of a growth mindset motivates teacher, parents, and students to hold a more optimistic, elastic attitude toward learning and intelligence.
My take away—praise specific instances in which your child demonstrates tenacity. Being smart will only get him/her so far.
Ask Dr. Dana: One of my friend’s daughters is gossiping about and excluding my daughter at school. What should I do? Should I confront her?
This type of bulling is called Relational Aggression. Relational aggression encompasses behaviors that harm others by damaging, threatening to damage, or manipulating one's relationships with his/her peers, or by injuring one's feelings of social acceptance (the Ophelia Project).
The most important thing to do is strengthen your daughter’s self-confidence by putting her in situations that accentuate her talents and strengths. Providing your daughter with concrete ways to deal with the bullying is more important than confronting your friend or her daughter. Attempts at changing another’s behavior (friend or no friend) are unlikely to be successful. Focus on your daughter and what she can do to end her victimization.
What you can do?
• Don’t dismiss your daughter's stories as "drama", her perception is her reality. Actively listen to her thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
• If the relational aggression is not stopping, a quick tip is W T T: Walk away from the situation, Talk to someone and process, and Tell someone who can do something about it. Failure to report repeated relational aggression can lead to depression and other mental health problems.
• Practice (or role play) specific phrases/words she can use in specific situations to stand up to the bully
• If your child is lacking certain social skills or has difficulty reading subtle social clues, it is important that you give your child concrete, specific advice on peer interactions. Inviting friends over to your home affords you the opportunity to watch your daughter’s social interactions and provide supportive suggestions after her friend leaves.
The most important thing to do is strengthen your daughter’s self-confidence by putting her in situations that accentuate her talents and strengths. Providing your daughter with concrete ways to deal with the bullying is more important than confronting your friend or her daughter. Attempts at changing another’s behavior (friend or no friend) are unlikely to be successful. Focus on your daughter and what she can do to end her victimization.
What you can do?
• Don’t dismiss your daughter's stories as "drama", her perception is her reality. Actively listen to her thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
• If the relational aggression is not stopping, a quick tip is W T T: Walk away from the situation, Talk to someone and process, and Tell someone who can do something about it. Failure to report repeated relational aggression can lead to depression and other mental health problems.
• Practice (or role play) specific phrases/words she can use in specific situations to stand up to the bully
• If your child is lacking certain social skills or has difficulty reading subtle social clues, it is important that you give your child concrete, specific advice on peer interactions. Inviting friends over to your home affords you the opportunity to watch your daughter’s social interactions and provide supportive suggestions after her friend leaves.
Ask Dr. Dana: My child’s best friend dumped her. She is heartbroken, what can I do?
Most parents can relate. Your child comes home, sullen and slumped over. “Sarah doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore; she only wants to be with Lia!”
When this happens your heart will break right along with your child’s. It is very important to remain calm and not add your anger and hurt to your child’s. Chances are this is a bump in the road instead of a long-term break up. Below are some things you can do to help your child bounce back quickly.
• Your role is to listen and empathize with your kid’s feelings
• Help your child come up with his/her own game plan for situations that may be hurtful (i.e., lunch, recess, etc.) Even if you don’t like the plan, your child will be more confident if he/she comes up with their own.
• A common reason for friendship-dumping is when one child becomes too dependent on another child, making the friendship feel burdensome. If this applies, help your child to branch out and make new friends.
Most importantly, remember that over the course of a friendship your child will inevitably face conflict. As in adulthood, overcoming conflicts can make relationships even stronger. Directly dealing with conflict is a difficult but critical skill, for both children and adults.
When this happens your heart will break right along with your child’s. It is very important to remain calm and not add your anger and hurt to your child’s. Chances are this is a bump in the road instead of a long-term break up. Below are some things you can do to help your child bounce back quickly.
• Your role is to listen and empathize with your kid’s feelings
• Help your child come up with his/her own game plan for situations that may be hurtful (i.e., lunch, recess, etc.) Even if you don’t like the plan, your child will be more confident if he/she comes up with their own.
• A common reason for friendship-dumping is when one child becomes too dependent on another child, making the friendship feel burdensome. If this applies, help your child to branch out and make new friends.
Most importantly, remember that over the course of a friendship your child will inevitably face conflict. As in adulthood, overcoming conflicts can make relationships even stronger. Directly dealing with conflict is a difficult but critical skill, for both children and adults.
Ask Dr. Dana: Why is family mealtime so important? What are the benefits?
September 28th is National Family Day – A Day to Eat Dinner with Your Children
This is a national movement launched by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University to remind parents that frequent family Dinners Make A Difference!
Parental engagement fostered at the dinner table can be a simple, effective tool to help prevent substance abuse in kids.
Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse
More than a decade of research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school.
CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.
Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
• Three times more likely to try marijuana
• Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes
• One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol
Ten Benefits of Family Dinners
Teens that have frequent family dinners are:
1. At half the risk for substance abuse compared to teens who eat with their families less frequently
2. More likely to get better grades
3. Less likely to have friends who use illicit drugs
4. More likely to have lower levels of tension and stress
5. More likely to say that their parents were proud of them
6. More emotionally stable
7. More likely to have positive relationships
8. More likely to have healthier eating habits
9. Less likely to contemplate suicide
10. Less likely to try marijuana or have friends who do
The Challenge for Busy Families!
We know that that shared dinners make for stronger families. The problem is that between after-school activity schedules and parents’ busy work schedules, making connections within the family requires a concerted effort.
Tips for Making the Most Out of Family Dinners:
1. Make family dinners a requirement
2. Involve your teenagers in all phases of the meal
3. Go around the table and take turns starting a topic or asking a silly question
4. Take turns expressing “highs and lows” of the day
5. Ask open-ended questions to get your teens talking
Additional Facts from CASA:
• Kids are particularly vulnerable to substance use during transitions from elementary to middle school, middle to high school, and from high school to college.
• More than forty percent of America’s teens – some 10 million – can buy marijuana within a day and 20 percent—some 5 million—can get it in an hour or less.
• Each day more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink.
• Children and teens that begin drinking before age 15 are four times likelier to become alcohol dependent than those who do not drink before age 21.
• More than five million high school students, almost a third, admit binge drinking at least once a month.
• On average, teenagers who use alcohol, tobacco and marijuana begin using them between 12 and 14 years of age, with some of the highest risk kids starting to use even earlier.
This is a national movement launched by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University to remind parents that frequent family Dinners Make A Difference!
Parental engagement fostered at the dinner table can be a simple, effective tool to help prevent substance abuse in kids.
Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse
More than a decade of research has consistently found that the more often kids eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school.
CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.
Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
• Three times more likely to try marijuana
• Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes
• One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol
Ten Benefits of Family Dinners
Teens that have frequent family dinners are:
1. At half the risk for substance abuse compared to teens who eat with their families less frequently
2. More likely to get better grades
3. Less likely to have friends who use illicit drugs
4. More likely to have lower levels of tension and stress
5. More likely to say that their parents were proud of them
6. More emotionally stable
7. More likely to have positive relationships
8. More likely to have healthier eating habits
9. Less likely to contemplate suicide
10. Less likely to try marijuana or have friends who do
The Challenge for Busy Families!
We know that that shared dinners make for stronger families. The problem is that between after-school activity schedules and parents’ busy work schedules, making connections within the family requires a concerted effort.
Tips for Making the Most Out of Family Dinners:
1. Make family dinners a requirement
2. Involve your teenagers in all phases of the meal
3. Go around the table and take turns starting a topic or asking a silly question
4. Take turns expressing “highs and lows” of the day
5. Ask open-ended questions to get your teens talking
Additional Facts from CASA:
• Kids are particularly vulnerable to substance use during transitions from elementary to middle school, middle to high school, and from high school to college.
• More than forty percent of America’s teens – some 10 million – can buy marijuana within a day and 20 percent—some 5 million—can get it in an hour or less.
• Each day more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink.
• Children and teens that begin drinking before age 15 are four times likelier to become alcohol dependent than those who do not drink before age 21.
• More than five million high school students, almost a third, admit binge drinking at least once a month.
• On average, teenagers who use alcohol, tobacco and marijuana begin using them between 12 and 14 years of age, with some of the highest risk kids starting to use even earlier.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Bring Back Family Dinners
Scottsdale Prevention Institute Phone: 480-443-3100
8102 E. Jackrabbit Road, #B Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85250 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org
Scottsdale Prevention Institute (SPI) Urges Families to
Bring Back Family Dinners
Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse
SPI is highlighting a study originally published by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA), "The Importance of Family Dinners". CASA’s research shows that "the more often children eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school". Visit http://www.casacolumbia.org/ for more information.
CASA’s research also highlights that, "Frequent family dining is correlated with doing well in school and developing healthy eating habits." The survey found that frequent family dinners were associated with better school performance, with teens 40% more likely to get A’s and B’s. A Harvard study also found that family dinners were the most important family events in helping children develop language skills.
CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.
Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
8102 E. Jackrabbit Road, #B Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85250 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org
Scottsdale Prevention Institute (SPI) Urges Families to
Bring Back Family Dinners
Frequent Family Dinners are Linked to Better Grades for Teens and Reduced Risk for Substance Abuse
SPI is highlighting a study originally published by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA), "The Importance of Family Dinners". CASA’s research shows that "the more often children eat dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs and the better they perform in school". Visit http://www.casacolumbia.org/ for more information.
CASA’s research also highlights that, "Frequent family dining is correlated with doing well in school and developing healthy eating habits." The survey found that frequent family dinners were associated with better school performance, with teens 40% more likely to get A’s and B’s. A Harvard study also found that family dinners were the most important family events in helping children develop language skills.
CASA’s most recent study compared two specific groups: teenagers who have two or less family dinners per week and those who have five or more per week.
Those Who Ate Two or Less Family Dinners Were:
- Three times more likely to try marijuana
- Two-and-a-half times more likely to smoke cigarettes
- One-and-a-half times more likely to drink alcohol
Ten Benefits of Family Dinners:
- At half the risk for substance abuse compared to teens who eat with their families less frequently
- More likely to get better grades
- Less likely to have friends who use illicit drugs
- More likely to have lower levels of tension and stress in the home
- More likely to say that their parents were proud of them
- More emotionally stable
- More likely to have positive relationships
- More likely to have healthier eating habits
- Less likely to contemplate suicide
- Less likely to try marijuana or have friends who do
The Challenge for Busy Families
CASA’s research confirms the notion that shared dinners make for stronger families. The problem is that between after-school activity schedules and parents’ busy work schedules, making connections within the family requires a concerted effort.
SPI Offers the Following Suggestions:
- Make family dinners a requirement
- Involve your teenagers in all phases of the meal
- Make meals enjoyable
- Ask open-ended questions to get your teens talking
What was the best think that happened this week/day?
What is something you laughed about today?
What made you angry this week/day?
If you could vote, whom would you vote for?
Underage Drinking Article
Scottsdale Prevention Institute Phone: 480-443-3100
8102 E. Jackrabbit Road, #B Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85250 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org
Scottsdale Prevention Institute’s (SPI) CALL TO ACTION:
Join Our Campaign to Curb Underage Drinking
How Common is Underage Drinking Among Youth?
Drinking among US teenagers is a serious problem. Alcohol is the most commonly used drug among teens. According to the 2006 Arizona Youth Survey, approx. 50 percent of surveyed eighth graders have sampled alcohol and more than 20 percent of our high school sophomores report coming to school drunk on at least one occasion. By the time they graduate high school, nearly 75 percent of Arizona’s kids will have experimented with alcohol.
Youth are now reporting that their first drink came at age 14. 24% of 8th graders, 39% of 10th graders, and 47% of 12th graders reported drinking within the past 30 days (Arizona Youth Survey, 2006).
Alcohol + Energy Drinks = A Hazardous Combination
The caffeine in Red Bull (and other energy drinks) causes blood vessels to expand, allowing more alcohol to get into the blood stream. Energy drinks are a stimulant and alcohol is a depressant, so the two end up counteracting. People are then left unable to realize how drunk they truly are.
Use by 8th, 10th, and 12th graders in higher in AZ than it is nationwide (National Monitoring the Future, 2006).
Alcopops -- the Newest Trend in Underage Drinking.
These fruit flavored malt beverages come in colorful
packaging similar in design to many teen-friendly soft drinks. They are called "flavored malt beverages" or "low alcohol refreshers" by the alcohol industry, even though their alcohol content rivals most beers.
AZ ranks 20th among all states for the percentage of youth (ages 12-20) who report binge drinking within the past 30 days, meaning only 19 states have more binge drinkers (SAMHSA, National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 2003-2004).
How Do Underage Drinkers Obtain Alcohol?
Most underage drinkers report it is "very easy" to obtain alcohol. Most get it from:
Third Parties (e.g., legal-age friends, siblings, and strangers)
Commercial outlets, such as stores, bars, and restaurants (often by using a fake ID)
Home is the primary source of alcohol among the youngest drinkers, either stolen from parents’ supplies, or given willingly by some parents.
What is Parents’ Role in Underage Drinking?
The Good…Parent’s Approval and Involvement Matters
Children say that parental disapproval of underage drinking is the key reason they have chosen not to drink.
Charles Curie, former substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).
Teens who have two or fewer family dinners a week are twice as likely to smoke daily and get drunk monthly, compared to teens who have at least five family dinners per week. (The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 2006)
The report’s findings underscore the significance of family dinners as a proxy for parental engagement and communication.
How Does Alcohol Affect the Teenage Brain?
Even moderate amounts of alcohol can seriously damage short-term and long -term growth processes in the teenage brain, according to the American Medical Association, essentially hard wiring kids for addiction in later life.
Drinking alcohol during puberty may upset the critical hormone balance needed for normal development of organs, muscles, bones, and the reproductive system (National Institute of Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism, 2006)
Is Your Teenager Using Drugs or Alcohol? Look for these signs:
8102 E. Jackrabbit Road, #B Fax: 480-443-3272
Scottsdale, AZ 85250 United Way # 0077
info@spi-az.org
Scottsdale Prevention Institute’s (SPI) CALL TO ACTION:
Join Our Campaign to Curb Underage Drinking
How Common is Underage Drinking Among Youth?
Drinking among US teenagers is a serious problem. Alcohol is the most commonly used drug among teens. According to the 2006 Arizona Youth Survey, approx. 50 percent of surveyed eighth graders have sampled alcohol and more than 20 percent of our high school sophomores report coming to school drunk on at least one occasion. By the time they graduate high school, nearly 75 percent of Arizona’s kids will have experimented with alcohol.
Youth are now reporting that their first drink came at age 14. 24% of 8th graders, 39% of 10th graders, and 47% of 12th graders reported drinking within the past 30 days (Arizona Youth Survey, 2006).
Alcohol + Energy Drinks = A Hazardous Combination
The caffeine in Red Bull (and other energy drinks) causes blood vessels to expand, allowing more alcohol to get into the blood stream. Energy drinks are a stimulant and alcohol is a depressant, so the two end up counteracting. People are then left unable to realize how drunk they truly are.
Use by 8th, 10th, and 12th graders in higher in AZ than it is nationwide (National Monitoring the Future, 2006).
Alcopops -- the Newest Trend in Underage Drinking.
These fruit flavored malt beverages come in colorful
packaging similar in design to many teen-friendly soft drinks. They are called "flavored malt beverages" or "low alcohol refreshers" by the alcohol industry, even though their alcohol content rivals most beers.
AZ ranks 20th among all states for the percentage of youth (ages 12-20) who report binge drinking within the past 30 days, meaning only 19 states have more binge drinkers (SAMHSA, National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 2003-2004).
How Do Underage Drinkers Obtain Alcohol?
Most underage drinkers report it is "very easy" to obtain alcohol. Most get it from:
Third Parties (e.g., legal-age friends, siblings, and strangers)
Commercial outlets, such as stores, bars, and restaurants (often by using a fake ID)
Home is the primary source of alcohol among the youngest drinkers, either stolen from parents’ supplies, or given willingly by some parents.
What is Parents’ Role in Underage Drinking?
The Good…Parent’s Approval and Involvement Matters
Children say that parental disapproval of underage drinking is the key reason they have chosen not to drink.
Charles Curie, former substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).
Teens who have two or fewer family dinners a week are twice as likely to smoke daily and get drunk monthly, compared to teens who have at least five family dinners per week. (The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, 2006)
The report’s findings underscore the significance of family dinners as a proxy for parental engagement and communication.
The Bad…Most Teens Get Alcohol from Parents and Friends (AMA News Release, 2005)
- Nearly half of surveyed AZ adults believe it is ok for youth to drink alcohol under parental or adult supervision (AZ Attitudes on Youth Drinking Survey, 2006).
- Two out of three teens, aged 13-18, said it is easy to get alcohol from their homes without parents knowing.
- One third responded that it is easy to obtain alcohol from their own parents knowingly and one in four teens has attended a party where minors were drinking in front of parents.
- More than 37% of adults report providing alcohol to youth.
- A national survey reported that 31% of kids who said they had been drunk in the past year had parents who believed their children were nondrinkers.
How Does Alcohol Affect the Teenage Brain?
Even moderate amounts of alcohol can seriously damage short-term and long -term growth processes in the teenage brain, according to the American Medical Association, essentially hard wiring kids for addiction in later life.
Drinking alcohol during puberty may upset the critical hormone balance needed for normal development of organs, muscles, bones, and the reproductive system (National Institute of Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism, 2006)
Is Your Teenager Using Drugs or Alcohol? Look for these signs:
- Mood Swings. Although mood swings are normal for teens, look for extreme changes—your child acting happy and upbeat one-minute followed by withdrawal or fits of anger or rage.
- Secrecy. If your child begins to act with increased secrecy about possessions or activities it may be a sign for concern.
- New Friends. If your child is using, chances are he or she will be spending time with others who have similar interests. Is your child suddenly hanging around with new friends?
- Changed School Habits. Is your child skipping classes? Suddenly getting bad grades?
What Can Parents Do?
- Form a network with other parents so that if you are away, they can check and make sure your home is not being used for an unauthorized drinking party.
- Be aware that even responsible children can have a small party spin out of control through text messages and cell phones.
- Avoid sending party invitations by email. They’re easy to forward and can result in uninvited guests.
- When hosting a party, be sure to have plenty of food and non-alcoholic beverages. Adults should keep an eye on things without becoming obtrusive.
- Talk to your children about drinking and listen to your child’s concerns.
When Are Kids Most at Risk?
Studies show that kids are more at risk for alcohol, drugs, and sex between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., while many parents are still at work. (The California Governor’s Prevention Advisory Council’s).
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Not in Our Community, Not in Our Schools
Their Voices.
I have read a lot of books about kids from impoverished areas making it out of the ghetto. Kids who go to school with gun detectors, bars on the windows in gang-ridden neighborhoods. I work with kids in an affluent neighborhood in the Paradise Valley/Scottsdale, AZ area. The skies are sunny most of the year and the school sits against a beautiful mountain.
As I drive into the parking lot the image of kids playing on the playground against a mountainside is picturesque. The atmosphere is quiet, well-maintained, and orderly. There aren’t a lot of stories about the kids I work with. Most of these kids come from privileged upper-middle class families.
Even though I haven't worked at a school before, I already know that abuse and neglect are not socioeconomic.
As I enter the office during my first week, I see a boy curled in a ball on the floor by the door. I have to step over him to get through the door. He has acted out in class again and has been sent to the office, again. As I crouch down to talk to him, he pretends he is asleep. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a psychologist to see that he is very angry. He won’t look me in the eye; he keeps looking at the clock. He tells me that he wants to kill his teacher, the other kids at school. He tells me he has a lot of options—he can run away from the school, or punch a teacher. He says he likes to make bombs and play violent video games. He is angry with his teacher because she said he did something that he didn’t do. She wouldn’t listen to him so he got underneath his desk. That’s why he got sent to the office.
Unsolicited he tells me that he wrote on his arms and face with marker so he could kill himself. He heard that markers are toxic and can get in your bloodstream and kill you. He talks about playing with kids who like to make bombs and that he doesn’t like the kids at this school. He wants to go home and play with his violent video games. After a while he starts to look at me.
During lunch I play a game of pick up stix with him and he lets me go first. He tells me that he makes a growling face and hisses when he is really angry. I ask him to show me and he says that he isn’t really angry at me. I smile. After a few minutes playing the game he is subdued, compliant, and seems to be having fun.
A teacher (specialist) he has never met comes in, asks me to leave, and tells him he has to shape up and stop threatening people. He tells her she can’t tell him what to do. She says that she is going to call his mom and tell her to take away his video games if he doesn’t behave. He says he wants to call his mom. He leaves her a message. His voice shakes from anger and he is yelling into the phone that she can’t listen to this lady. That she can’t do this to him.
As a result of this heated "lecture" from a woman he has never met, he has transformed from a playful child into a wild animal. He hangs up, stands in a corner, and growls and hisses at the teacher. This is obviously the angry face he told me about. He says he wants to go out to recess and leave the room. There is a back door in the room that leads outside. He starts inching toward the door, ready to run. She threatens that if he goes out the door she will call the police. He yells that she can’t keep him here. She comes toward him and he opens the door and runs outside.
I look out the window and see the staff chasing this young boy. The police are called and apprehend him. He is expelled for 3 days and comes back to school for a while. His mother realizes that the school will keep expelling him until he is placed in a different school. She doesn’t want to move him from the school but after some more expulsions she removes him. He is gone and no one knows where he went.
---------------------------------
I see a young, beautiful, blue-eyed girl who was exposed to meth in Utero. No one seems to know the extent of her exposure in utero or once born. The mom was known to be addicted to Meth and left the daughter with a relative. She is developmentally delayed and acts out in class when she doesn’t get her way. She likes to wear the same bright pink skirt to school and she always compliments me on my outfits and shoes. She likes to giggle and talk about her " rainbow house". She is always trying to talk and giggle with the other girls in my group.
She likes hugs and to hold my hand. Her face lights up when she sees me and she waves to me whenever I pass her. If I send her back to recess with the other girls she may wander aimlessly around the school. She has trouble concentrating and understanding questions I ask her. If I teach a simple lesson and ask her a simple question about it she can't answer.
------------------------------------------------
I see a girl who has given up on herself, already. When your own parent doesn't want you around it is hard to care about yourself. She does not complete homework assignments. She says she forgets what they are and that she doesn’t have a computer to check on the school’s website. She can’t keep track of what she needs to do. Today, she told me that she likes to be "sordove" mean. When I ask why she says, "cuz my mom is so mean, so I know how to do it."
She told me that one weekend her mom came to where she was staying and told her the house was a mess. She yelled at her for leaving a jump rope on floor, picked it up and it her with the handle. The girl went to her room and cried and her mom stormed out disgusted. That day, the girl says, was her birthday. After she told me these things about her mom I called CPS. The lady manning the hotline told me that if I can’t report a physical injury (bruise or cut) they can't take action. She said I should just keep looking for an injury and then call back.
I tried to find some services myself and heard about a great family program. The Regional Director told me that they only serve families 20 blocks south of the school. The school and the neighborhood this girl lives in is evidently too close to the affluent part of the City. I also researched the McKinney Vento Act for homeless children but she is not homeless. She lives in a home and her "home" is not in the right neighborhood for services.
She is slipping through the cracks. We all know it but we don’t know what to do. When I look in her eyes and see her small smile I know that she has given up on herself. She knows what lies ahead for her. Teachers tell her what she should do, social workers tells her what she should not do, but she does not believe she can succeed in a world where she must rely on herself, to take care of herself. I think she has tried and it didn’t make her mother love her. She has lost hope and I don’t know how to give it to her.
-----------------------------------------------
I see an academically gifted young boy. He seems to annoy the other kids. He says inappropriate things, picks his nose, and farts. He seems to have no idea why no one likes him. One day I went to get him at lunch and he was yelling and crying. He was really angry because the other kids were trying to talk to him and he didn’t want anyone to talk to him. I think the other kids were just talking amongst themselves or were trying to include him. He wanted to be left alone. A little later he became really sad and when I asked him why he said because no one liked him and he didn’t have any friends.
I don’t know how to write grants or raise a lot of money but I do know how to write. Sometimes the only thing I think I can do is tell their story, give them a voice. I don’t know who to tell; I don’t know who will listen; I want to try and give them hope.
I think that if we can find a place where these children can come and learn social skills, character development, and express themselves through the arts we can give them hope for the future.
I am afraid that some of my neighbors will be very upset if they read this because they do not want to admit that these kids and families are in their affluent communities and schools.
These are our children. These children are like children everywhere. It is just that in our affluent community some want to pretend that these children don't exist.
I invite you to add to this and start a conversation.
I have read a lot of books about kids from impoverished areas making it out of the ghetto. Kids who go to school with gun detectors, bars on the windows in gang-ridden neighborhoods. I work with kids in an affluent neighborhood in the Paradise Valley/Scottsdale, AZ area. The skies are sunny most of the year and the school sits against a beautiful mountain.
As I drive into the parking lot the image of kids playing on the playground against a mountainside is picturesque. The atmosphere is quiet, well-maintained, and orderly. There aren’t a lot of stories about the kids I work with. Most of these kids come from privileged upper-middle class families.
Even though I haven't worked at a school before, I already know that abuse and neglect are not socioeconomic.
As I enter the office during my first week, I see a boy curled in a ball on the floor by the door. I have to step over him to get through the door. He has acted out in class again and has been sent to the office, again. As I crouch down to talk to him, he pretends he is asleep. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a psychologist to see that he is very angry. He won’t look me in the eye; he keeps looking at the clock. He tells me that he wants to kill his teacher, the other kids at school. He tells me he has a lot of options—he can run away from the school, or punch a teacher. He says he likes to make bombs and play violent video games. He is angry with his teacher because she said he did something that he didn’t do. She wouldn’t listen to him so he got underneath his desk. That’s why he got sent to the office.
Unsolicited he tells me that he wrote on his arms and face with marker so he could kill himself. He heard that markers are toxic and can get in your bloodstream and kill you. He talks about playing with kids who like to make bombs and that he doesn’t like the kids at this school. He wants to go home and play with his violent video games. After a while he starts to look at me.
During lunch I play a game of pick up stix with him and he lets me go first. He tells me that he makes a growling face and hisses when he is really angry. I ask him to show me and he says that he isn’t really angry at me. I smile. After a few minutes playing the game he is subdued, compliant, and seems to be having fun.
A teacher (specialist) he has never met comes in, asks me to leave, and tells him he has to shape up and stop threatening people. He tells her she can’t tell him what to do. She says that she is going to call his mom and tell her to take away his video games if he doesn’t behave. He says he wants to call his mom. He leaves her a message. His voice shakes from anger and he is yelling into the phone that she can’t listen to this lady. That she can’t do this to him.
As a result of this heated "lecture" from a woman he has never met, he has transformed from a playful child into a wild animal. He hangs up, stands in a corner, and growls and hisses at the teacher. This is obviously the angry face he told me about. He says he wants to go out to recess and leave the room. There is a back door in the room that leads outside. He starts inching toward the door, ready to run. She threatens that if he goes out the door she will call the police. He yells that she can’t keep him here. She comes toward him and he opens the door and runs outside.
I look out the window and see the staff chasing this young boy. The police are called and apprehend him. He is expelled for 3 days and comes back to school for a while. His mother realizes that the school will keep expelling him until he is placed in a different school. She doesn’t want to move him from the school but after some more expulsions she removes him. He is gone and no one knows where he went.
---------------------------------
I see a young, beautiful, blue-eyed girl who was exposed to meth in Utero. No one seems to know the extent of her exposure in utero or once born. The mom was known to be addicted to Meth and left the daughter with a relative. She is developmentally delayed and acts out in class when she doesn’t get her way. She likes to wear the same bright pink skirt to school and she always compliments me on my outfits and shoes. She likes to giggle and talk about her " rainbow house". She is always trying to talk and giggle with the other girls in my group.
She likes hugs and to hold my hand. Her face lights up when she sees me and she waves to me whenever I pass her. If I send her back to recess with the other girls she may wander aimlessly around the school. She has trouble concentrating and understanding questions I ask her. If I teach a simple lesson and ask her a simple question about it she can't answer.
------------------------------------------------
I see a girl who has given up on herself, already. When your own parent doesn't want you around it is hard to care about yourself. She does not complete homework assignments. She says she forgets what they are and that she doesn’t have a computer to check on the school’s website. She can’t keep track of what she needs to do. Today, she told me that she likes to be "sordove" mean. When I ask why she says, "cuz my mom is so mean, so I know how to do it."
She told me that one weekend her mom came to where she was staying and told her the house was a mess. She yelled at her for leaving a jump rope on floor, picked it up and it her with the handle. The girl went to her room and cried and her mom stormed out disgusted. That day, the girl says, was her birthday. After she told me these things about her mom I called CPS. The lady manning the hotline told me that if I can’t report a physical injury (bruise or cut) they can't take action. She said I should just keep looking for an injury and then call back.
I tried to find some services myself and heard about a great family program. The Regional Director told me that they only serve families 20 blocks south of the school. The school and the neighborhood this girl lives in is evidently too close to the affluent part of the City. I also researched the McKinney Vento Act for homeless children but she is not homeless. She lives in a home and her "home" is not in the right neighborhood for services.
She is slipping through the cracks. We all know it but we don’t know what to do. When I look in her eyes and see her small smile I know that she has given up on herself. She knows what lies ahead for her. Teachers tell her what she should do, social workers tells her what she should not do, but she does not believe she can succeed in a world where she must rely on herself, to take care of herself. I think she has tried and it didn’t make her mother love her. She has lost hope and I don’t know how to give it to her.
-----------------------------------------------
I see an academically gifted young boy. He seems to annoy the other kids. He says inappropriate things, picks his nose, and farts. He seems to have no idea why no one likes him. One day I went to get him at lunch and he was yelling and crying. He was really angry because the other kids were trying to talk to him and he didn’t want anyone to talk to him. I think the other kids were just talking amongst themselves or were trying to include him. He wanted to be left alone. A little later he became really sad and when I asked him why he said because no one liked him and he didn’t have any friends.
I don’t know how to write grants or raise a lot of money but I do know how to write. Sometimes the only thing I think I can do is tell their story, give them a voice. I don’t know who to tell; I don’t know who will listen; I want to try and give them hope.
I think that if we can find a place where these children can come and learn social skills, character development, and express themselves through the arts we can give them hope for the future.
I am afraid that some of my neighbors will be very upset if they read this because they do not want to admit that these kids and families are in their affluent communities and schools.
These are our children. These children are like children everywhere. It is just that in our affluent community some want to pretend that these children don't exist.
I invite you to add to this and start a conversation.
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